Day 37 March 21, 2012

Remember when I said that everything happens for a reason? The other night I had an experience that made my confidence and belief in this saying just soar through the roof. I don't know why part of it happened, but I know why the other part happened. Last week, my ex-boyfriend stepped right back into my life and my heart like he had never gone. It was easy for me to feel OK again, but I knew I had to be careful or I was going to just end up going in reverse. I think I was. No, I know I was. For three days he was the old guy that I fell so hard for, then as quick as he came, he was gone again. I didn't understand what was going on. Finally he told me he was going to date someone else. He wanted her for a very long time, and she finally is giving him a chance. For a tiny bit of time I couldn't figure out why all this is happening now, after he had stepped back into my life. He was so close I could feel it, but I lost it. After I went home that night, I was laying in bed crying and out of nowhere this thought popped into my head. It was like someone else was speaking to me. It said "It's OK Kari, everything is going to be OK. Everything happens for a reason. You weren't ready yet. Just be patient." JUST BE PATIENT!? I'm trying so hard to be ready! I WANT TO BE READY! How can I be patient? Well, I guess I can't be patient, because I hate being alone. I don't like being alone and I don't love myself...that's what I have to be patient for. This really hit me hard. What I don't understand is why he even came back to me in the first place if he was just going to leave again. Is someone trying to torture me? Is this supposed to be another lesson? I want to take this whole thing positively, but it is really hard for me. I wish this whole thing was easier. Wishing never gets you anywhere, though. I am trying to stay as positive as I can about this whole thing, because I think I ran out of negative. I think I ran out of tears, too. For now, I am just impatiently waiting on the days when I am happy and healthy; for myself, and for Bentley. Mommy&B