Day 24 March 8, 2012

When this year is over and everything is all said and done, I hope to be at peace with my life, with myself, and with being alone. I never would have thought when I was sixteen that I had Dependent Personality Disorder. Hell, I never even knew there was such a thing until last month. Now I know why all my boyfriends dumped me and at some point thought I was crazy; it's because I was and still am sick. I felt like nothing without them. I needed them to validate my life. How stupid is that? I will admit though things changed a little bit after Bentley was born. All of a sudden it wasn't just me, I needed his father because we were supposed to be a family. I didn't want the split-parent lifestyle for me or for Bentley. That's what killed me when he left. Soon, though, I realized that I was so much happier. I was having a great time. Last fall was the best couple of months I could have asked for, but don't know you it, good things never last. Now I had it set in my head last fall that I was going to be single and love it for a year. I was going out, having a good time, doing my own thing when it hit me out of nowhere. This guy, this mysterious guy just showed up out of the blue. He lit a spark in me that very night I saw him for the first time. I was thinking to myself "don't you dare do anything stupid." I didn't even know his name; and just as fast as he came, he was gone. I didn't think anything of it until the next couple of days. I had been hooked again. I kept thinking I'd be missing out on something if I didn't find him. There was nothing I could do about it though. Back then I called it "fate" when Lara and Mitch met him two weeks later and he thought Lara was me. So he started up a conversation with them. Turns out he was looking for me, too. Lara told me later that she met the "mysterious no-named guy", I found him and I was so excited. Now he was a great guy and an even better talker. I was very intrigued but I didn't want to let my guard down. It wasn't long before that guard fell. A couple weeks maybe. I'd never known a guy as nice as him, that treated me the way he did. It felt so genuine and real. Because it was so different the guard just kept crumbling. Then one Sunday afternoon he took me to meet his family. I was so nervous! When I got there I quickly realized that I didn't need to be. They treated me like family, Bentley too. It felt amazing. That's the day when everything fell and I fell along with it. I was hooked. I just knew deep in my heart that this guy was a keeper. But I don't know what really happened or who was to blame for the demise of our relationship. I mean I was crazy and he wasn't ready. It sucked. It really sucked. But I hope he is happy. I cared for him so much and that won't go away. I hope I can be happy someday, too. I know it will take a while but someday I will be happy being alone. I want to feel as free as a bird, flying through the sky. This illness that has controlled me for the last seven years is not going to control me forever. And someday when I am healthy and normal, I will find my soul mate, but I will already be happy when I do. Mommy&B