Day 17 March 1, 2012

One thing I learned from Steph is that I can't compare myself to other people. I am ME and I can't base my life or my view of myself on other people's expectations. I can't put myself down for not achieving what other people have achieved. I have trouble with this. First of all I have trouble acknowledging my accomplishments. I see other people's accomplishments and think "if only I could do better." I mean really there aren't a lot of things I have done that almost everyone else hasn't done. If I am wrong, go ahead and try to prove it. I have one thing in mind and that's my photography scholarship award. Now go....Can't think of anything? Exactly. I am the only one of my siblings who hasn't graduated college. Lara is graduating in May. I've always lived in Lara's shadow. She was always one step ahead of me; always winning the spelling bees while I was forever stuck in second place. She was always liked by more people; she was class president and again I was stuck in second place voted as vice-president. People in our class called me the evil twin. She was salutatorian and I was only in the top six or our class. I can't help feeling that if I hadn't been sick all those years, could I have been better? I guess it doesn't matter because I can't go back and change a thing. Why can't I just be alone and be OK with that? Do I really hate myself that much? My self-esteem is non-existent and I don't think I know why. This is all just a mystery to me that I can't solve. I hope a year from now I will have it all figured out and I will be truly at peace with myself. Mommy&B