Day 21 March 5, 2012

This is what is on my mind today. Some people just aren't content with what they've got. I know because I am one of them. And yes, I should be content with what I have because I have an amazing, healthy baby boy and people who love me. I am happy to have what I have and so lucky. I've always felt like I needed something more, though. I have felt like without having someone who wants to be with you everyday and loves and cherishes you, you don't amount to anything; like you don't exist almost. I used to think that I had to have someone else to live for, like living for myself wasn't enough. I don't quite feel like that anymore, but I still get extremely lonely. I feel like I have no purpose in life at times but now that I have B it's not so bad. When I did have a boyfriend, I made sure that he knew how much he meant to me. I'd never have done anything to betray his trust or sabotage the relationship. I would make mistakes, yes, but I still never made my boyfriend feel like I didn't want him.

Now what I don't understand is how girls can take their men for granted. Having a guy that loves me and wants to be with me is something I cherish and hold onto even when I should let go. I'd never betray my man's trust. Girls who think one man is not enough for them are just ridiculous. Don't throw it all away for a fling! No relationship that starts out as an affair is going to work anyway. Girls need to be happy with what they have and if they aren't don't hurt them by cheating on them. Just be the better person and end it.

I would be lucky to find a man who loved me despite my illness and all my faults. I saw a quote from yesterday that said "I myself am entirely made up of flaws stitched together with good intentions." I think that describes me in a nutshell. I never intended to harm my last relationship. I fought so hard I drove myself crazy, not to mention everyone around me. I was already halfway crazy in the first place. I have flaws that no man I've been with can see past. This last one was the only one worth fighting for but in the end it didn't matter. I wish they all could see past them, because all I have are good intentions. I have a great big heart that would let almost anyone in, and I value every relationship I have. In that way I wish more people were like me. Too many people have taken me for granted, and I only have one thought left to share. When this year is all said and done and all the people who meant something to me are not around, will it have been my fault, or theirs?

I guess I ventured off topic again, but the moral of my story is don't take anyone for granted. If you are lucky enough to be able to share your life with people who are genuine and accept you for you, don't betray them, cherish them because the ones who are truly genuine deserve that kind of treatment in return.

Mommy&B