Day 28 March 12, 2012

If you read yesterday's post, you know that Bentley's father, Sean was down to see him on Sunday. Everything went well. He changed every dirty diaper Bentley had and acted as if he had a bomb on his chest that would detonate if B got more than five feet away. I have to say, though, that since he left, B has been way too clingy. At any rate, they had a pretty good day, but when it came time for Sean to go home, I was very abruptly reminded of my childhood. I don't know how many of you readers have divorced parents, or the same arrangement as my parents had. I'm pretty sure the norm for divorced parents is for the dad to get the kids every other weekend. This was our arrangement. Now, my dad lives two hours South of my hometown and he made the drive every other Friday and back every other Sunday religiously. If you know me well, you know I HATE Sundays and if you know me really well, you know why. I bet you can guess. Sunday is the day for leaving. Whenever Dad would take us back to Mom's, I always thought about his drive home. What did it feel like spending 2 days out of 14 with your kids then dropping them off and driving away to spend another 14 days alone? It drove me crazy. It made me so sad. Some days in the beginning I would just go to my room and quietly cry. I don't know if Mom ever knew that. I asked Dad once if he ever cried on the drive home. He said yes, but I can't imagine my dad crying. I never ever blamed either one of my parents for their divorce, especially Mom. It wasn't her fault. For the most part, I thought they handled it pretty well. I know that they did what was best for all of us kids and I have to thank them for that, but sometimes what is best hurts. I'm not saying I had a bad childhood because I wouldn't ever take it back, but I never wanted that life for Bentley. I fought so hard in the beginning to keep our family together. I was certain that it would hurt B like it hurt me when I was little. Yesterday, I was greeted by that old feeling and I realized that I felt the same way when Sean left as I did when Dad left. I thought about his drive home; how did he feel? Was he sad? Did he shed a tear? I would have been. I realized I didn't want to feel that feeling just as much as I didn't want B to ever have to feel it. But what can I do? Time has a way of making pain easier to handle. It also has a way of showing you the reality of it all. I know Sean and I are not supposed to be together. Now all I can do about it is try to have an amazing relationship with him for Bentley. I will do everything I can within reason to keep him from feeling this terrible feeling. Mommy&B This is one of my favorite songs. Some songs have a way of touching your heart, this is one of them. Highway 20 Ride - Zac Brown Band http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZMCkufE0X0