Day 74 April 27th, 2012

I have been thinking lately about what I have learned so far in the last couple of months. The most important thing I think that I have learned is that everything happens for a reason. I accept that philosophy full-heartedly and I believe it. Last night, I was thinking about some of the mistakes I have made and some of the instances in my life and the choices I have made throughout my lifetime. I always thought I had messed up. I thought I had failed my parents and cheated myself out of having a good life. What I hadn't realized is that everything I have ever done has led me to where I am today, and I am happy. I am glad my life has been the way it has. Do I ever wish I'd done things differently? Perhaps, but I don't regret anything. Every sad thing, everyone that broke my heart, every time I got dumped or rejected or had failed in some way has led me to the me I am today. I love me today. If my last boyfriend hadn't broken things off with me, I would NOT be the girl I am today. I am so happy he did and I can say that with absolutely no doubt in my mind. I had to change. I had to shape up. I wasn't the way I needed to be, for myself and especially for Bentley. We both had to get to a happier place in our lives. I appreciate that and I can't say enough that I'm so glad my life is the way it is today. Everything is falling into place. I am comfortable with my life and the simplest of pleasures. I will never take this life for granted. I can see the big picture now. I can see myself happy no matter what happens and I LOVE it. I can't imagine things being any better than they are now. I owe it all to three people. I have to thank Nathan for giving me the involuntary push I needed, and Stephanie for helping me figure out the mess of my life, and for Bentley for always needing me and being the reason I needed to change. I thank every day I have all of them in my life as well as my family and my friends. They are all my reason for happiness every day. I love all you guys!
Mommy&B

Day 66 April 19, 2012

This was a really fun little shoot. A few problems were that Rocky the big ol' German Shepherd kept trying to get in front of me and the camera, and Bentley was way too curious about the edge of the ramp. Unfortunately our shoot was cut short because of the little guy's curiosity. He fell off the ramp. :( It was terrible I almost broke my camera trying to get to him as fast as I could. Fortunately little boys never remember stuff like that at this age. He has already forgotten about it. I don't think there will be any more photos being taken on the ramp unless there is another person to act as spotter. At any rate, I love how these photos turned out.

Mommy&B

Day 64 April 17, 2012

I know you guys don't hear from me as much as I wish you did, but I get so caught up in myself sometimes that I don't have the energy or the focus and concentration to get the posts written. I am disappointed with myself in a way for this. This project is supposed to be my pride and joy, and in many ways it is, but I am lacking. The good news is that things are going well in life these days. I couldn't be happier. For some reason I feel content with the way my life is unfolding. It is a great feeling; not worrying about anything. Whenever I start to have ruminating thoughts, I make sure I focus on something else, so I don't stew over it. I wish I could be that way all the time. I have to give Stephanie all the credit in the world. She has helped me so much these last two months. I have gone a long way. There is still a lot to work on, no doubt, but I am loving the progress. I am able to do so much more, feel so much better, and think so much clearer and more rational. I think I got to the point that I had to make a decision to make things different, OR ELSE, and that was what put things over the edge and changed everything. I have a new attitude about things. It feels great. I am so grateful for everything I have in my life today. I read something on a sign today that said..."Contentment is not fulfillment of things you want, but the realization of what you already have in life." I can finally say, at least for now, that I am content. Mommy&B

Day 58: April 11, 2012

I am struggling a little bit these days. I don't feel like I am getting any better. Some days I feel like I am getting worse. I don't know why, but that's how I feel. I need to do something that will make me feel good about myself. I don't know what to do, though. What can I do to make myself feel better? I must admit that I did do something earlier this week that was definitely a step in the right direction, but I feel terrible for doing it. I think it was the right thing to do, but I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to at all. I had to make a choice to leave myself vulnerable to getting hurt, or protect my heart. I wanted so bad to be my ex's friend, but I can't. It hurts too much. He wanted to be friends "for now". I have to respect the fact that he needs to get all of his ducks in a row and figure out what he wants or who he wants. I can't deprive him of that, but I can't watch him do it either. It's best for my heart to keep my distance. I don't like not being able to talk to him at all. I miss him and think about him a lot. I hope I am doing the right thing for both of us. I hope that he can respect what I did. I did it for both of us. What will happen in the future? Who knows. There's no way to tell. Maybe next year I will be ready for a relationship with someone. Maybe by that time I will have been able to move on. I hope this pain in my heart subsides. Until then, I will have this sad feeling stuck there. Until then, I will have to assure myself everyday that I made the right decision. I was kind of harsh to him when I did it and I hope he can forgive me for that, too. It wasn't right, but I feel like he knows why. In the end, I just hope that I can be happy one day. I guess we will see where this road leads me. Mommy&B

Day 57 April 10, 2012

First of all, sorry I have been posting anything for a while. I have been away from the computer for quite a while. Think of it as an Easter vacation. Ok, so I have been toying with this idea since about two weeks after I started my blog. I wanted to reward myself for the progress I have made so far. When I decided what I wanted to do, I was so excited. I finally got to reward myself last weekend and I love it. This is a symbol of myself working hard to become independent and not needing anyone other than myself...and B of course. The end result is not done yet, and I may not finish it until the end of my year of changing into this way better person. I wanted something to symbolize the saying "She flies with her own wings." So, I got a swallow tattooed on me. Not everyone will agree with my decision to get yet another tattoo, but all I can say is that I'm extremely proud of it. It doesn't matter to me what anyone else thinks. I love it, and I love the fact that it means so much to me. I have gained so much strength in making the right choices, even if I hate that decision. I am proud of myself, and I can't even believe I can say that! Overall, I am very happy with my life as of today. Everyday could be better, but for now, I am right where I should be. I'm thankful for every day that I can progress.

Mommy&B

Day 51 April 4th, 2012

Days have been going kind of slow lately. Not much is happening. I've been busy working with my dogs and keeping them in line. The other day I took B swimming with his floaty boat type thing and it was great to not have to hold him. That floaty is my new best friend. B had to get some more immunizations yesterday and that was horrible. He had to get FIVE shots! Poor guy just screamed and bawled and then turned around and wrapped his arms around my neck until he stopped crying. It made me so sad. I hate it when he feels that way, but I love it when he loves on me. Boy though, he was in a bad mood the rest of the day! We've been doing alright, though. Things have been a lot better since I moved. I am a lot happier out there. I feel like I am at the beginning of a better life. Everything is going to be OK for me and my baby boy. Mommy&B

Day 49 April 2, 2012

Last weekend was GREAT! I had such a good few days. I couldn't have asked to have been much happier. Friday started the weekend off right. Doc and Becky and I rode the motorcycles into town to work and I just love riding with them. It feels so awesome to be able to do something I never thought I'd be able to do! It was gorgeous outside too! Becky's son had a track meet so we went to that after work. We just laid around in the sun on a blanket for a couple of hours. I don't think I got any darker though. :( I also got my new phone! I was literally the happiest girl ever on Friday. I love being so happy. It's not normal!! I hope it starts to become normal for me, though. Friday ended for me in my hometown with my family in Mankato. It felt great to be home. Even though we don't act like we are happy to be together, we all know that we are. On Saturday, I went and got my new puppies! I was so excited. The plan was to get one, but I just couldn't split up the brothers, so I got both of them. I think I bit off more than I can chew at this point, but I have a feeling it will get better. Most people think they are ugly, but I think they are pretty cute! We also all as a family went to the park and had a supper picnic! It was a great way to kill some extra time with the family and have fun. We stayed there for maybe three hours! I know the kids all had a blast, even Bentley! He loves to slide down the slide now! Sunday came too soon, though and we had to all go home, but its good to be back home. I need to work on my house some more! Always stuff to do! I' m pretty content with my life right now. I am starting to not hate it so much. It is growing on me! I just have to keep improving and making our lives better every day!

Mommy&B

Day 45 March 29, 2012

Today is just one of those days that is long and boring and I really have nothing too interesting to write about. I do have one piece of news...I am getting a PUPPY! I can't wait to take pictures of Bentley and the new puppy when I get him. So I will be writing about him next week! I will keep you updated! Mommy&B

Day 43 March 27, 2012

I love learning that I can do things I never even thought of before. I learned how to drive a motorcycle! We rode into town on our way into work today. It was awesome. I love riding. It feels so empowering to be able to learn new things. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be able to say that I could drive a motorcycle. Next step is to start practicing on a Harley. Too bad I will never be able to afford one. :( I am also learning how to fight. It's mostly self-defense stuff, but I love that, too! It gives you a whole lot more confidence in yourself. All of the new stuff I learn makes me feel better about myself. Before, I felt almost useless. I didn't have anything special about me except that I could shoot photos and now days anyone can do that. The more things I know, the better I feel. I don't feel so useless anymore. I've gained so much confidence in the last month. I've learned a life lesson, too. I wish I could go back to high school and never had a boyfriend because I think back at all the stuff I could have done or learned if I hadn't spent all my energy on keeping up with my boyfriend. I could have been such a better person. But I am trying now! I hope I can learn way more stuff as time goes on. Mommy&B

Day 42 March 26, 2012

I've found recently that my attitude towards the future could use a little adjusting. I have been told numerous times that I am pessimistic. I thought of it more as realism than pessimism, but I get what they were saying. I can be very pessimistic. For once, I want to be optimistic. I want to look forward to what the future holds, and not because of someone else, but because I am happy being alone. I want to see the good in everything. I want to have goals I can try to reach. Mainly, I just want to be able to anticipate something good about the future. I can do anything I set my mind to, can't I? But the pessimist in me says "well yeah, but you have to have plenty of money for that." Why can't I just think good thoughts without a bad one ruining it? If I think happy I can be happy, but those unhappy thoughts are always there. I don't know maybe my brain won't let me be happy. Everything I think is laced with negative thoughts. How do I get this problem under control I wonder? Things are good in my life for the most part, so why can't I just think happy thoughts? I guess I will have to ask Stephanie at out next visit. Mommy&B

Day 41 March 25, 2012

All weekend was spent moving into my new place in Wrayville. It was a great weekend! I LOVE my new house. It's so much bigger than any place I have ever had on my own. I have yet to put most of my stuff away, though. That's the part I hate. It will take forever I think. At least I got Bentley's room done. This is the first time ever that he's had his own room all to himself! It makes me so happy that he can have his own space. He even has a play room! I can tell that he loves it there by the way he acts. For the first time in a long time I am genuinely happy! I don't have to drive into town every night after spending the evening with the Wrays working out or whatever we may do. I don't have to live right next to people that I don't like or don't want to see. One of the best things about my new place is that alone. I can be proud of it, too and I love that. Another thing I love about it is that you can walk out the front door and be welcomed by a ton of stars in the sky! It is awesome. It's so peaceful out in the country. There are so many things to do, too. I feel like I am exactly where I need to be now. Can't wait to see what the future holds for me and Bentley. Mommy&B

Day 38 March 22, 2012

It's been a very slow week; a CRAZY week. I didn't like this week at all. I FINALLY got the SIM card for my very crappy phone. It took me over a half an hour talking to customer service representatives last night trying to get it activated. Apparently no one knew what they were doing. Going without a phone for a week is the worst. I wouldn't wish it on anyone! This week I also had to learn a hard lesson...you would think this lesson was learned by now. I've come to the realization a very long time ago that life is not fair, but everything happens for a reason. I don't need to keep learning. I'm tired of learning the lessons. I just want to be happy. I don't think I will ever know why the events of last week had to happen, I was doing very good I think until then. Who knows. I will figure it out. This week we have also been working hard on getting the "embassy" ready for me to move my stuff in. Today or tomorrow we are bringing all of my stuff out! I'm so excited. I am so ready to get away from Seventh Street. I am ready for B to finally get his own room AND a playroom! I've never ever lived in a house with two bathrooms! OK well I have, but we tore it out pretty quickly after we moved in. I am so ready for a new start. I have big plans in store. One thing is for sure, I need to get back to the things that I love to do. Tonight, I get a sparring partner and I have been working out a lot. I want a better body. It's time I work on my happiness and loving myself, but I won't love myself if my body stays the way it is. I want to be a girl that people underestimate. I want to be able to do anything; things that would make guys proud of me, and girls too. You know what I mean, though? I want to shock people. When I think about the things I could learn to do, I get so excited. My future is looking bright. I can't wait to see how it turns out. This week has been a little bump in the road, but I have confidence that I will be just fine. Mommy&B

Day 37 March 21, 2012

Remember when I said that everything happens for a reason? The other night I had an experience that made my confidence and belief in this saying just soar through the roof. I don't know why part of it happened, but I know why the other part happened. Last week, my ex-boyfriend stepped right back into my life and my heart like he had never gone. It was easy for me to feel OK again, but I knew I had to be careful or I was going to just end up going in reverse. I think I was. No, I know I was. For three days he was the old guy that I fell so hard for, then as quick as he came, he was gone again. I didn't understand what was going on. Finally he told me he was going to date someone else. He wanted her for a very long time, and she finally is giving him a chance. For a tiny bit of time I couldn't figure out why all this is happening now, after he had stepped back into my life. He was so close I could feel it, but I lost it. After I went home that night, I was laying in bed crying and out of nowhere this thought popped into my head. It was like someone else was speaking to me. It said "It's OK Kari, everything is going to be OK. Everything happens for a reason. You weren't ready yet. Just be patient." JUST BE PATIENT!? I'm trying so hard to be ready! I WANT TO BE READY! How can I be patient? Well, I guess I can't be patient, because I hate being alone. I don't like being alone and I don't love myself...that's what I have to be patient for. This really hit me hard. What I don't understand is why he even came back to me in the first place if he was just going to leave again. Is someone trying to torture me? Is this supposed to be another lesson? I want to take this whole thing positively, but it is really hard for me. I wish this whole thing was easier. Wishing never gets you anywhere, though. I am trying to stay as positive as I can about this whole thing, because I think I ran out of negative. I think I ran out of tears, too. For now, I am just impatiently waiting on the days when I am happy and healthy; for myself, and for Bentley. Mommy&B

Day 35 March 19, 2012

Apparently I have a huge self-image problem. I think I look weird. No, I guess I'm not fat, but I must disagree when anyone tells me I have a good body because I don't believe I do. I have fat in all the wrong places and my hips are a mess! I think my calves are too small and it makes me look like I have chicken legs AND knock knees. I would love a body transformation, and that's what I'm trying to work on. I am working out for long periods of time every night, focusing on my problem areas. I should be dieting too, but that is really hard! I will get there, though. I have to give myself positive affirmations to push me along, and it's all part of my healing. I can't love myself if I don't love my body, so I am taking another baby step in the right direction. Mommy&B

Day 34 March 18, 2012

Some of you by now may know that I had for a long time felt somewhat like the "black sheep" of the family. I am learning though through therapy and actions of others that I am not as big of a disappointment as I thought I was. I have realized that my screw-ups in life haven't been as bad as others'. I can still be proud of myself for that at least. Don't get me wrong all my siblings have done stupid things. Bobi would jump off a bridge that nearly killed a person and drive her car across the lake or drive 20 miles to a bar and grill for, what was it cheese balls? That was while she was skipping class. Chanse had a tendency to get in trouble with the law on occasion. He used to think he could outrun the cops and succeeded maybe at least once, but not every time. Lara just had a terrible taste for boyfriends for a while, and so did I. We all had our little "problem areas", but that's just teenager stuff. Mom was lucky to have us, and my parents can honestly say they are lucky to have me, I think. So could any guy. I'm not saying at all that I am better than anyone else, but I can say I try not to make stupid life-threatening mistakes that could ruin my life or the lives of others. Sometimes I pity the parents of some kids. Does that sound like I'm a terrible person? That is not what I intended on sounding like. I'm just trying to make my point. I am not as bad a daughter as I thought I was. Some experiences can give you a new perspective of things. I am praying now for the people who have lost their way. I am also praying for the parents of those people, because I can't imagine how hard it would be to see your child lose their way. I hope I never have to experience that. Yes, I have lost my way a couple of times, but I found my way back. I didn't screw up too terribly bad, I must say. I may have made some choices in life that were disappointing at the time, but all in all, no one can complain. The actions I have taken in my past have lead me to where I am today, and I am truly happy for that. Even if my family wasn't happy with me, there is nothing they could do to change the past. It is over and all I can do is change my future. I have chosen to become the best I can be, one step at a time. I hope that everyone who has lost their way chooses to get back on the right track and be the happiest they can be. I hope that the parents of those people can be as big a support to them as my family are. Mommy&B

St. Patrick's Day Day 33

Saint Patrick's Day is always a day for fun. This year the Wray's and Bentley and I went up to Rush Center for the largest St. Patrick's Day parade in Kansas. It was a lot of fun, but I got sun burnt. :( Chellie and I got to ride on the back of Becky and Doc's Harley's. It was great! Everyone loved the bikes because, let's face it, Harley's are the sh!t! LOL Someday I believe I will need one. The picture above is us together waiting in the shade.

Mommy&B

Bentley LOVES to SWIM

Now that we are getting so close to actually living in "Wrayville" as I call it. Bentley gets to enjoy the perks. I do as well. We get to go swimming! I think it's more fun for him because he just has to sit there. I have to carry him around, but it's worth it to see him this excited! My favorite thing these days to do in "Wrayville" is to ride the motorcycles or work out there in the weight room which is right next to the pool. We always manage to have a good time.

Mommy&B

Day 31 March 15, 2012

Sorry everyone for not putting up a post yesterday, I was not in the office all day so I didn't have access to the Internet to put anything up. OK in other news. I went to see Stephanie yesterday and we had a very good talk. She says I need to realize how "awesome" I am. Her words, not mine. I have a hard time realizing my worth so I wanted to see if you readers had any suggestions. Can you guys think of any reasons that I am awesome? If you do, write a comment below and let me know, because I would love to hear what you readers think. I would also like to share my new philosophy with you. I firmly believe these days that everything happens for a reason. You can't go back and change your past, so why worry about it. It's done and over. The best thing you can do is cast it aside and move on and accept that. I tell myself that everything happens for a reason and everything that happens in my life is leading me to where I am supposed to be. I will be happy one day. These days I am happier than ever. I'm finally not so confused and worrying, wondering what is going on. I just accept what is. That is a great feeling. Stephanie says I have made huge improvements in the last month. They are baby steps, but those steps are vital and she is very proud of me. I am so happy that I can make someone proud. It was a good day yesterday. Mommy&B

Bentley getting tickled!

Mommy&B

Month One :)

Tomorrow is Day 30!!! I am going to see Stephanie and this weekend I plan to reward myself for sticking to all my rules and plans the first month! Baby steps! I will let you know soon what my reward is! Mommy&B