Day 88 May 11, 2012

It's been a while...I know I am slacking. A lot of the time, I just don't have anything significant to write about. But this week has been CRAZY! I feel like I could write a book! I won't complain, I am going to put a positive spin on everything and learn from it all. That is my new philosophy in life. Well here goes!

First of all, Congratulations to my little sister, Tiarra. Ryliegh Kay is beautiful and I can't wait to meet her!
Now, on to the craziness of the week. It's been a weird one for sure. I lost my babysitter. I feel terrible about her injury causing her to have to have surgery. She will be out for a couple of months at least. Now I have my little trouble maker at work. I don't know how to pay for a different babysitter, as I am getting daycare assistance through SRS and have to have someone with SRS watch him. I am getting tired of waiting for Child Support Enforcement to get things done, so maybe finally I could get some help from Bentley's father. So I need to call them today and see what the hold up is. I am at a loss to figure that one out yet. The babysitter thing is really eating at me, I can't bare the thought of taking B to someone that neither of us know. It would break my heart and the thought of it almost brings me to tears. It's one of those problems that can't get solved right away and it just builds up in my mind and kills me slowly.
Another thing that I am struggling to figure out is my car. On Wednesday I had yet another blowout. We got the donut on the car and drove it back out to the house and when I went to go to work this morning, low and behold, the car was dead AND the other tire was flat. I just can't catch a break! This week I got my income tax return back and I was planning on buying Nathan's car and he was going to take mine and fix it up for himself. Well it was a good plan in the beginning. My first priority with the money was to pay off all my debts. I paid off my loan at the bank and then I paid off the debts on my credit report. I thought I was done at that. Well I was wrong. I found out that I needed to pay a month of my old energy bill because the new tenants neglected to get their own crap taken care of, then I found out that I was being sued by another debtor that wasn't on my credit report. This debt was one that wasn't even my fault! I am going to rip Dish Network another butt hole! So anyway I used the car money to pay that off and now I don't have enough money to buy Nathan's car. So now I am stuck with a car that only has two functioning wheels and a plethora of other problems. My only option I can think of it to use the rest of the money to fix what I can with my car.
I think the moral of the story is not to make plans, and don't take things for granted. One day you could have everything going good and in a week, everything could be upside down. I am managing to control my feelings about all of this, but I did have a little bit of a mini meltdown a bit ago. I was getting so angry that I had to actually write down all of the anger I had built up inside and it really did help. So I learn something new every day. I can put a positive spin on some things. :) One thing I do know is that life will go on, and everything will be OK. I'll figure it out. When I do, I will let you know how it goes!
Mommy&B

Day 74 April 27th, 2012

I have been thinking lately about what I have learned so far in the last couple of months. The most important thing I think that I have learned is that everything happens for a reason. I accept that philosophy full-heartedly and I believe it. Last night, I was thinking about some of the mistakes I have made and some of the instances in my life and the choices I have made throughout my lifetime. I always thought I had messed up. I thought I had failed my parents and cheated myself out of having a good life. What I hadn't realized is that everything I have ever done has led me to where I am today, and I am happy. I am glad my life has been the way it has. Do I ever wish I'd done things differently? Perhaps, but I don't regret anything. Every sad thing, everyone that broke my heart, every time I got dumped or rejected or had failed in some way has led me to the me I am today. I love me today. If my last boyfriend hadn't broken things off with me, I would NOT be the girl I am today. I am so happy he did and I can say that with absolutely no doubt in my mind. I had to change. I had to shape up. I wasn't the way I needed to be, for myself and especially for Bentley. We both had to get to a happier place in our lives. I appreciate that and I can't say enough that I'm so glad my life is the way it is today. Everything is falling into place. I am comfortable with my life and the simplest of pleasures. I will never take this life for granted. I can see the big picture now. I can see myself happy no matter what happens and I LOVE it. I can't imagine things being any better than they are now. I owe it all to three people. I have to thank Nathan for giving me the involuntary push I needed, and Stephanie for helping me figure out the mess of my life, and for Bentley for always needing me and being the reason I needed to change. I thank every day I have all of them in my life as well as my family and my friends. They are all my reason for happiness every day. I love all you guys!
Mommy&B

Day 66 April 19, 2012

This was a really fun little shoot. A few problems were that Rocky the big ol' German Shepherd kept trying to get in front of me and the camera, and Bentley was way too curious about the edge of the ramp. Unfortunately our shoot was cut short because of the little guy's curiosity. He fell off the ramp. :( It was terrible I almost broke my camera trying to get to him as fast as I could. Fortunately little boys never remember stuff like that at this age. He has already forgotten about it. I don't think there will be any more photos being taken on the ramp unless there is another person to act as spotter. At any rate, I love how these photos turned out.

Mommy&B

Day 64 April 17, 2012

I know you guys don't hear from me as much as I wish you did, but I get so caught up in myself sometimes that I don't have the energy or the focus and concentration to get the posts written. I am disappointed with myself in a way for this. This project is supposed to be my pride and joy, and in many ways it is, but I am lacking. The good news is that things are going well in life these days. I couldn't be happier. For some reason I feel content with the way my life is unfolding. It is a great feeling; not worrying about anything. Whenever I start to have ruminating thoughts, I make sure I focus on something else, so I don't stew over it. I wish I could be that way all the time. I have to give Stephanie all the credit in the world. She has helped me so much these last two months. I have gone a long way. There is still a lot to work on, no doubt, but I am loving the progress. I am able to do so much more, feel so much better, and think so much clearer and more rational. I think I got to the point that I had to make a decision to make things different, OR ELSE, and that was what put things over the edge and changed everything. I have a new attitude about things. It feels great. I am so grateful for everything I have in my life today. I read something on a sign today that said..."Contentment is not fulfillment of things you want, but the realization of what you already have in life." I can finally say, at least for now, that I am content. Mommy&B

Day 58: April 11, 2012

I am struggling a little bit these days. I don't feel like I am getting any better. Some days I feel like I am getting worse. I don't know why, but that's how I feel. I need to do something that will make me feel good about myself. I don't know what to do, though. What can I do to make myself feel better? I must admit that I did do something earlier this week that was definitely a step in the right direction, but I feel terrible for doing it. I think it was the right thing to do, but I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to at all. I had to make a choice to leave myself vulnerable to getting hurt, or protect my heart. I wanted so bad to be my ex's friend, but I can't. It hurts too much. He wanted to be friends "for now". I have to respect the fact that he needs to get all of his ducks in a row and figure out what he wants or who he wants. I can't deprive him of that, but I can't watch him do it either. It's best for my heart to keep my distance. I don't like not being able to talk to him at all. I miss him and think about him a lot. I hope I am doing the right thing for both of us. I hope that he can respect what I did. I did it for both of us. What will happen in the future? Who knows. There's no way to tell. Maybe next year I will be ready for a relationship with someone. Maybe by that time I will have been able to move on. I hope this pain in my heart subsides. Until then, I will have this sad feeling stuck there. Until then, I will have to assure myself everyday that I made the right decision. I was kind of harsh to him when I did it and I hope he can forgive me for that, too. It wasn't right, but I feel like he knows why. In the end, I just hope that I can be happy one day. I guess we will see where this road leads me. Mommy&B

Day 57 April 10, 2012

First of all, sorry I have been posting anything for a while. I have been away from the computer for quite a while. Think of it as an Easter vacation. Ok, so I have been toying with this idea since about two weeks after I started my blog. I wanted to reward myself for the progress I have made so far. When I decided what I wanted to do, I was so excited. I finally got to reward myself last weekend and I love it. This is a symbol of myself working hard to become independent and not needing anyone other than myself...and B of course. The end result is not done yet, and I may not finish it until the end of my year of changing into this way better person. I wanted something to symbolize the saying "She flies with her own wings." So, I got a swallow tattooed on me. Not everyone will agree with my decision to get yet another tattoo, but all I can say is that I'm extremely proud of it. It doesn't matter to me what anyone else thinks. I love it, and I love the fact that it means so much to me. I have gained so much strength in making the right choices, even if I hate that decision. I am proud of myself, and I can't even believe I can say that! Overall, I am very happy with my life as of today. Everyday could be better, but for now, I am right where I should be. I'm thankful for every day that I can progress.

Mommy&B

Day 51 April 4th, 2012

Days have been going kind of slow lately. Not much is happening. I've been busy working with my dogs and keeping them in line. The other day I took B swimming with his floaty boat type thing and it was great to not have to hold him. That floaty is my new best friend. B had to get some more immunizations yesterday and that was horrible. He had to get FIVE shots! Poor guy just screamed and bawled and then turned around and wrapped his arms around my neck until he stopped crying. It made me so sad. I hate it when he feels that way, but I love it when he loves on me. Boy though, he was in a bad mood the rest of the day! We've been doing alright, though. Things have been a lot better since I moved. I am a lot happier out there. I feel like I am at the beginning of a better life. Everything is going to be OK for me and my baby boy. Mommy&B

Day 49 April 2, 2012

Last weekend was GREAT! I had such a good few days. I couldn't have asked to have been much happier. Friday started the weekend off right. Doc and Becky and I rode the motorcycles into town to work and I just love riding with them. It feels so awesome to be able to do something I never thought I'd be able to do! It was gorgeous outside too! Becky's son had a track meet so we went to that after work. We just laid around in the sun on a blanket for a couple of hours. I don't think I got any darker though. :( I also got my new phone! I was literally the happiest girl ever on Friday. I love being so happy. It's not normal!! I hope it starts to become normal for me, though. Friday ended for me in my hometown with my family in Mankato. It felt great to be home. Even though we don't act like we are happy to be together, we all know that we are. On Saturday, I went and got my new puppies! I was so excited. The plan was to get one, but I just couldn't split up the brothers, so I got both of them. I think I bit off more than I can chew at this point, but I have a feeling it will get better. Most people think they are ugly, but I think they are pretty cute! We also all as a family went to the park and had a supper picnic! It was a great way to kill some extra time with the family and have fun. We stayed there for maybe three hours! I know the kids all had a blast, even Bentley! He loves to slide down the slide now! Sunday came too soon, though and we had to all go home, but its good to be back home. I need to work on my house some more! Always stuff to do! I' m pretty content with my life right now. I am starting to not hate it so much. It is growing on me! I just have to keep improving and making our lives better every day!

Mommy&B

Day 45 March 29, 2012

Today is just one of those days that is long and boring and I really have nothing too interesting to write about. I do have one piece of news...I am getting a PUPPY! I can't wait to take pictures of Bentley and the new puppy when I get him. So I will be writing about him next week! I will keep you updated! Mommy&B

Day 43 March 27, 2012

I love learning that I can do things I never even thought of before. I learned how to drive a motorcycle! We rode into town on our way into work today. It was awesome. I love riding. It feels so empowering to be able to learn new things. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be able to say that I could drive a motorcycle. Next step is to start practicing on a Harley. Too bad I will never be able to afford one. :( I am also learning how to fight. It's mostly self-defense stuff, but I love that, too! It gives you a whole lot more confidence in yourself. All of the new stuff I learn makes me feel better about myself. Before, I felt almost useless. I didn't have anything special about me except that I could shoot photos and now days anyone can do that. The more things I know, the better I feel. I don't feel so useless anymore. I've gained so much confidence in the last month. I've learned a life lesson, too. I wish I could go back to high school and never had a boyfriend because I think back at all the stuff I could have done or learned if I hadn't spent all my energy on keeping up with my boyfriend. I could have been such a better person. But I am trying now! I hope I can learn way more stuff as time goes on. Mommy&B

Day 42 March 26, 2012

I've found recently that my attitude towards the future could use a little adjusting. I have been told numerous times that I am pessimistic. I thought of it more as realism than pessimism, but I get what they were saying. I can be very pessimistic. For once, I want to be optimistic. I want to look forward to what the future holds, and not because of someone else, but because I am happy being alone. I want to see the good in everything. I want to have goals I can try to reach. Mainly, I just want to be able to anticipate something good about the future. I can do anything I set my mind to, can't I? But the pessimist in me says "well yeah, but you have to have plenty of money for that." Why can't I just think good thoughts without a bad one ruining it? If I think happy I can be happy, but those unhappy thoughts are always there. I don't know maybe my brain won't let me be happy. Everything I think is laced with negative thoughts. How do I get this problem under control I wonder? Things are good in my life for the most part, so why can't I just think happy thoughts? I guess I will have to ask Stephanie at out next visit. Mommy&B

Day 41 March 25, 2012

All weekend was spent moving into my new place in Wrayville. It was a great weekend! I LOVE my new house. It's so much bigger than any place I have ever had on my own. I have yet to put most of my stuff away, though. That's the part I hate. It will take forever I think. At least I got Bentley's room done. This is the first time ever that he's had his own room all to himself! It makes me so happy that he can have his own space. He even has a play room! I can tell that he loves it there by the way he acts. For the first time in a long time I am genuinely happy! I don't have to drive into town every night after spending the evening with the Wrays working out or whatever we may do. I don't have to live right next to people that I don't like or don't want to see. One of the best things about my new place is that alone. I can be proud of it, too and I love that. Another thing I love about it is that you can walk out the front door and be welcomed by a ton of stars in the sky! It is awesome. It's so peaceful out in the country. There are so many things to do, too. I feel like I am exactly where I need to be now. Can't wait to see what the future holds for me and Bentley. Mommy&B

Day 38 March 22, 2012

It's been a very slow week; a CRAZY week. I didn't like this week at all. I FINALLY got the SIM card for my very crappy phone. It took me over a half an hour talking to customer service representatives last night trying to get it activated. Apparently no one knew what they were doing. Going without a phone for a week is the worst. I wouldn't wish it on anyone! This week I also had to learn a hard lesson...you would think this lesson was learned by now. I've come to the realization a very long time ago that life is not fair, but everything happens for a reason. I don't need to keep learning. I'm tired of learning the lessons. I just want to be happy. I don't think I will ever know why the events of last week had to happen, I was doing very good I think until then. Who knows. I will figure it out. This week we have also been working hard on getting the "embassy" ready for me to move my stuff in. Today or tomorrow we are bringing all of my stuff out! I'm so excited. I am so ready to get away from Seventh Street. I am ready for B to finally get his own room AND a playroom! I've never ever lived in a house with two bathrooms! OK well I have, but we tore it out pretty quickly after we moved in. I am so ready for a new start. I have big plans in store. One thing is for sure, I need to get back to the things that I love to do. Tonight, I get a sparring partner and I have been working out a lot. I want a better body. It's time I work on my happiness and loving myself, but I won't love myself if my body stays the way it is. I want to be a girl that people underestimate. I want to be able to do anything; things that would make guys proud of me, and girls too. You know what I mean, though? I want to shock people. When I think about the things I could learn to do, I get so excited. My future is looking bright. I can't wait to see how it turns out. This week has been a little bump in the road, but I have confidence that I will be just fine. Mommy&B

Day 37 March 21, 2012

Remember when I said that everything happens for a reason? The other night I had an experience that made my confidence and belief in this saying just soar through the roof. I don't know why part of it happened, but I know why the other part happened. Last week, my ex-boyfriend stepped right back into my life and my heart like he had never gone. It was easy for me to feel OK again, but I knew I had to be careful or I was going to just end up going in reverse. I think I was. No, I know I was. For three days he was the old guy that I fell so hard for, then as quick as he came, he was gone again. I didn't understand what was going on. Finally he told me he was going to date someone else. He wanted her for a very long time, and she finally is giving him a chance. For a tiny bit of time I couldn't figure out why all this is happening now, after he had stepped back into my life. He was so close I could feel it, but I lost it. After I went home that night, I was laying in bed crying and out of nowhere this thought popped into my head. It was like someone else was speaking to me. It said "It's OK Kari, everything is going to be OK. Everything happens for a reason. You weren't ready yet. Just be patient." JUST BE PATIENT!? I'm trying so hard to be ready! I WANT TO BE READY! How can I be patient? Well, I guess I can't be patient, because I hate being alone. I don't like being alone and I don't love myself...that's what I have to be patient for. This really hit me hard. What I don't understand is why he even came back to me in the first place if he was just going to leave again. Is someone trying to torture me? Is this supposed to be another lesson? I want to take this whole thing positively, but it is really hard for me. I wish this whole thing was easier. Wishing never gets you anywhere, though. I am trying to stay as positive as I can about this whole thing, because I think I ran out of negative. I think I ran out of tears, too. For now, I am just impatiently waiting on the days when I am happy and healthy; for myself, and for Bentley. Mommy&B

Day 35 March 19, 2012

Apparently I have a huge self-image problem. I think I look weird. No, I guess I'm not fat, but I must disagree when anyone tells me I have a good body because I don't believe I do. I have fat in all the wrong places and my hips are a mess! I think my calves are too small and it makes me look like I have chicken legs AND knock knees. I would love a body transformation, and that's what I'm trying to work on. I am working out for long periods of time every night, focusing on my problem areas. I should be dieting too, but that is really hard! I will get there, though. I have to give myself positive affirmations to push me along, and it's all part of my healing. I can't love myself if I don't love my body, so I am taking another baby step in the right direction. Mommy&B

Day 34 March 18, 2012

Some of you by now may know that I had for a long time felt somewhat like the "black sheep" of the family. I am learning though through therapy and actions of others that I am not as big of a disappointment as I thought I was. I have realized that my screw-ups in life haven't been as bad as others'. I can still be proud of myself for that at least. Don't get me wrong all my siblings have done stupid things. Bobi would jump off a bridge that nearly killed a person and drive her car across the lake or drive 20 miles to a bar and grill for, what was it cheese balls? That was while she was skipping class. Chanse had a tendency to get in trouble with the law on occasion. He used to think he could outrun the cops and succeeded maybe at least once, but not every time. Lara just had a terrible taste for boyfriends for a while, and so did I. We all had our little "problem areas", but that's just teenager stuff. Mom was lucky to have us, and my parents can honestly say they are lucky to have me, I think. So could any guy. I'm not saying at all that I am better than anyone else, but I can say I try not to make stupid life-threatening mistakes that could ruin my life or the lives of others. Sometimes I pity the parents of some kids. Does that sound like I'm a terrible person? That is not what I intended on sounding like. I'm just trying to make my point. I am not as bad a daughter as I thought I was. Some experiences can give you a new perspective of things. I am praying now for the people who have lost their way. I am also praying for the parents of those people, because I can't imagine how hard it would be to see your child lose their way. I hope I never have to experience that. Yes, I have lost my way a couple of times, but I found my way back. I didn't screw up too terribly bad, I must say. I may have made some choices in life that were disappointing at the time, but all in all, no one can complain. The actions I have taken in my past have lead me to where I am today, and I am truly happy for that. Even if my family wasn't happy with me, there is nothing they could do to change the past. It is over and all I can do is change my future. I have chosen to become the best I can be, one step at a time. I hope that everyone who has lost their way chooses to get back on the right track and be the happiest they can be. I hope that the parents of those people can be as big a support to them as my family are. Mommy&B

St. Patrick's Day Day 33

Saint Patrick's Day is always a day for fun. This year the Wray's and Bentley and I went up to Rush Center for the largest St. Patrick's Day parade in Kansas. It was a lot of fun, but I got sun burnt. :( Chellie and I got to ride on the back of Becky and Doc's Harley's. It was great! Everyone loved the bikes because, let's face it, Harley's are the sh!t! LOL Someday I believe I will need one. The picture above is us together waiting in the shade.

Mommy&B

Bentley LOVES to SWIM

Now that we are getting so close to actually living in "Wrayville" as I call it. Bentley gets to enjoy the perks. I do as well. We get to go swimming! I think it's more fun for him because he just has to sit there. I have to carry him around, but it's worth it to see him this excited! My favorite thing these days to do in "Wrayville" is to ride the motorcycles or work out there in the weight room which is right next to the pool. We always manage to have a good time.

Mommy&B

Day 31 March 15, 2012

Sorry everyone for not putting up a post yesterday, I was not in the office all day so I didn't have access to the Internet to put anything up. OK in other news. I went to see Stephanie yesterday and we had a very good talk. She says I need to realize how "awesome" I am. Her words, not mine. I have a hard time realizing my worth so I wanted to see if you readers had any suggestions. Can you guys think of any reasons that I am awesome? If you do, write a comment below and let me know, because I would love to hear what you readers think. I would also like to share my new philosophy with you. I firmly believe these days that everything happens for a reason. You can't go back and change your past, so why worry about it. It's done and over. The best thing you can do is cast it aside and move on and accept that. I tell myself that everything happens for a reason and everything that happens in my life is leading me to where I am supposed to be. I will be happy one day. These days I am happier than ever. I'm finally not so confused and worrying, wondering what is going on. I just accept what is. That is a great feeling. Stephanie says I have made huge improvements in the last month. They are baby steps, but those steps are vital and she is very proud of me. I am so happy that I can make someone proud. It was a good day yesterday. Mommy&B

Bentley getting tickled!

Mommy&B

Month One :)

Tomorrow is Day 30!!! I am going to see Stephanie and this weekend I plan to reward myself for sticking to all my rules and plans the first month! Baby steps! I will let you know soon what my reward is! Mommy&B

Day 29 March 13, 2012

If anyone ever came and asked me if I believed in soul mates a year ago, I would have said I didn't know, but a while ago that changed. I believe whole-heartedly in soul mates now. In my earlier years I don't think I believed in soul mates because I had these boyfriends that I genuinely cared about, but there was always a problem of some sort. They always had something about them I didn't like; be it their friends or their hobbies, a family member, their habits or anything like that. I learned to either deal with these things or try to change them. How many of you readers have tried to change a boyfriend or girlfriend? Did you succeed? You can't force anyone to change for you! It's not fair! It's not possible. That is why they are all exes! I have to say, though, this last boyfriend I never wanted to change. He is the one who made me realize that there is such a thing as soul mates. When I realized this, I thought it was him. I don't think that's the case anymore, but nevertheless, he did make me believe. I have to thank him for that because I know now that I will never settle again. I asked him once if he believed in soul mates. He said he did and that he knew because of his grandparents. I think of my grandparents, too. Anyway, I believe in soul mates now because I think there is a person who is out there that is completely compatible with you; someone who doesn't make you settle or want to change them. In your eyes this person is flawless and fits you like a puzzle piece. This person will think you are flawless too, no matter how flawed you may be. Your soul mates will love you for who you are. Find that person and I believe you will live a long, happy life together. I can't help but wonder, though, how hard or easy it was for our grandparents to find their soul mates. They didn't have the technology we have today. Has the advances in technology evolved us into pickier people? I mean, my grandpa lived a mile or two away from my grandma growing up, but they didn't meet until after he came back from the war. Was it fate that they lived so close to each other? I don't know, but I wish it was still that easy. Do any of you have a story to share about your grandparents, parents, or your own soul mate? Go ahead and leave a comment below if you want to! Mommy&B

Day 28 March 12, 2012

If you read yesterday's post, you know that Bentley's father, Sean was down to see him on Sunday. Everything went well. He changed every dirty diaper Bentley had and acted as if he had a bomb on his chest that would detonate if B got more than five feet away. I have to say, though, that since he left, B has been way too clingy. At any rate, they had a pretty good day, but when it came time for Sean to go home, I was very abruptly reminded of my childhood. I don't know how many of you readers have divorced parents, or the same arrangement as my parents had. I'm pretty sure the norm for divorced parents is for the dad to get the kids every other weekend. This was our arrangement. Now, my dad lives two hours South of my hometown and he made the drive every other Friday and back every other Sunday religiously. If you know me well, you know I HATE Sundays and if you know me really well, you know why. I bet you can guess. Sunday is the day for leaving. Whenever Dad would take us back to Mom's, I always thought about his drive home. What did it feel like spending 2 days out of 14 with your kids then dropping them off and driving away to spend another 14 days alone? It drove me crazy. It made me so sad. Some days in the beginning I would just go to my room and quietly cry. I don't know if Mom ever knew that. I asked Dad once if he ever cried on the drive home. He said yes, but I can't imagine my dad crying. I never ever blamed either one of my parents for their divorce, especially Mom. It wasn't her fault. For the most part, I thought they handled it pretty well. I know that they did what was best for all of us kids and I have to thank them for that, but sometimes what is best hurts. I'm not saying I had a bad childhood because I wouldn't ever take it back, but I never wanted that life for Bentley. I fought so hard in the beginning to keep our family together. I was certain that it would hurt B like it hurt me when I was little. Yesterday, I was greeted by that old feeling and I realized that I felt the same way when Sean left as I did when Dad left. I thought about his drive home; how did he feel? Was he sad? Did he shed a tear? I would have been. I realized I didn't want to feel that feeling just as much as I didn't want B to ever have to feel it. But what can I do? Time has a way of making pain easier to handle. It also has a way of showing you the reality of it all. I know Sean and I are not supposed to be together. Now all I can do about it is try to have an amazing relationship with him for Bentley. I will do everything I can within reason to keep him from feeling this terrible feeling. Mommy&B This is one of my favorite songs. Some songs have a way of touching your heart, this is one of them. Highway 20 Ride - Zac Brown Band http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZMCkufE0X0

Day 27 March 11, 2012

My Sunday was definitely different than the usual. First of all, Bentley's father was here to visit. This doesn't happen too terribly often. All three of us went to church, too. Now that's just something that never gets done. I have faith in Jesus, but I don't see why we have to get up so early to show it! My Sundays are a sacred sleep-in day, but I had to wake up at 7:45 to get ready for church! After church we went with the Wrays to go eat and then, as per usual, we went out to their house. Bentley got to swim in the pool! He absolutely LOVED it! He splashed around and just screamed with excitement. Outside it was cold and wet so I didn't get to go ride the dirt bikes, but Saturday I did. I brought my nephews out and Andrew rode the little dirt bike and I got to ride the BMW! That's a 600 cc engine. I was a very happy girl. Now back to Sunday. I had my usual workout and Sean and I practiced boxing and we even sparred.I didn't get to kick his butt, but maybe someday I will be good enough to. We also got another room cleaned in the house I'm moving to so we are moving along on that project. I can't wait to get moved out there! It was all-in-all a pretty good day. My life isn't as bad as I sometimes make it out to be. I am blessed and very lucky. I couldn't ask for more right now. Mommy&B

Day 24 March 8, 2012

When this year is over and everything is all said and done, I hope to be at peace with my life, with myself, and with being alone. I never would have thought when I was sixteen that I had Dependent Personality Disorder. Hell, I never even knew there was such a thing until last month. Now I know why all my boyfriends dumped me and at some point thought I was crazy; it's because I was and still am sick. I felt like nothing without them. I needed them to validate my life. How stupid is that? I will admit though things changed a little bit after Bentley was born. All of a sudden it wasn't just me, I needed his father because we were supposed to be a family. I didn't want the split-parent lifestyle for me or for Bentley. That's what killed me when he left. Soon, though, I realized that I was so much happier. I was having a great time. Last fall was the best couple of months I could have asked for, but don't know you it, good things never last. Now I had it set in my head last fall that I was going to be single and love it for a year. I was going out, having a good time, doing my own thing when it hit me out of nowhere. This guy, this mysterious guy just showed up out of the blue. He lit a spark in me that very night I saw him for the first time. I was thinking to myself "don't you dare do anything stupid." I didn't even know his name; and just as fast as he came, he was gone. I didn't think anything of it until the next couple of days. I had been hooked again. I kept thinking I'd be missing out on something if I didn't find him. There was nothing I could do about it though. Back then I called it "fate" when Lara and Mitch met him two weeks later and he thought Lara was me. So he started up a conversation with them. Turns out he was looking for me, too. Lara told me later that she met the "mysterious no-named guy", I found him and I was so excited. Now he was a great guy and an even better talker. I was very intrigued but I didn't want to let my guard down. It wasn't long before that guard fell. A couple weeks maybe. I'd never known a guy as nice as him, that treated me the way he did. It felt so genuine and real. Because it was so different the guard just kept crumbling. Then one Sunday afternoon he took me to meet his family. I was so nervous! When I got there I quickly realized that I didn't need to be. They treated me like family, Bentley too. It felt amazing. That's the day when everything fell and I fell along with it. I was hooked. I just knew deep in my heart that this guy was a keeper. But I don't know what really happened or who was to blame for the demise of our relationship. I mean I was crazy and he wasn't ready. It sucked. It really sucked. But I hope he is happy. I cared for him so much and that won't go away. I hope I can be happy someday, too. I know it will take a while but someday I will be happy being alone. I want to feel as free as a bird, flying through the sky. This illness that has controlled me for the last seven years is not going to control me forever. And someday when I am healthy and normal, I will find my soul mate, but I will already be happy when I do. Mommy&B

Day 23 March 7, 2012

I talk a lot about how I want my life to be in a year, but today I'm going further down the road. I want to tell you how I want my life to be in ten years. When I am 32, I hope to have my own house and a decent car. Right now my favorite vehicle is the Dodge Journey. They are awesome! I hope that in ten years I have a few real good friends, ones that can go on a girls' night and do stuff like that every once in a while. I would also like for my little family of two to turn out to be four or five. I'd like to have a husband who loves me for me and Bentley just as much. I want to have a daughter, too. I want to be involved in something, be a part of something bigger than myself; maybe a part of some committee or something. I'd really like to go back to school. When I'm normal I think I'll be able to focus on more important things. I have to accomplish something. I've been coasting since I was fifteen years old, never putting forth any effort or focusing on what was really important. That's got to change. I want to have been able to say I've been to great places. I want to go out of the country. I want to go on a cruise, too. I want to ride a train and I want to fly! I want to feel free. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I want to live out in the wide open spaces where my kids have all the room they need to grow and do all the things their little hearts desire. I want to be able to give them whatever they need and things they want. I want to be able to tuck them in at night with their daddy by my side and go to sleep every night with the one who loves me and our family more than anything, but only when I'm ready. In ten years I want to finally feel like I belong, like a man needs me, like my children need me. I want to be Supermom! I know I can be. I can love with the best of them and I'll never be ashamed of that. When I am normal, I believe that whoever loves me is going to be very lucky to have me. I want all these things for my future, but I know it will never happen unless I work on myself, because most of all in ten years, I just want to be normal; an average 32 year old. Mommy&B

Day 22 March 6, 2012

I'm learning fast that it's important to maintain good positive relationships with people, and to not bother with the negative ones. For me, keeping contact with people who don't value me as a friend is something I do best. Why do I bother? It just gives me bad feelings and makes me worry about stuff I shouldn't worry about. I don't have a whole lot of true friends and even less that I can spend time with on a regular basis. That's probably the biggest reason why I try to be friends with people who don't really care. And who wants to put up with all my bull? I need a 24 hour therapist that I can text when I feel sad so I can stop texting people who are getting annoyed and couldn't care less. And when I'm sad, why do I feel the need to talk to someone about it anyway? No matter what anyone says I'm still going to be sad. Most of them don't even help. I have no idea how to handle my depression and neither does anyone else. How can I in all honesty expect them to? I guess it's my fault that I have these negative relationships; I either form them for the wrong reasons or just let them go bad by making them listen to me whine. I wish I could make it better. I don't have a whole lot of friends around here and I have surely burnt some bridges. This time next year I hope to have more friends that are good for me and value our friendship. I wish and hope for a lot of things to come my way in the future, but I just really hope that I can help myself get to my happy, normal place and can be content. If more people love me for me in the process, that's just a pleasant bonus. Mommy&B

Day 21 March 5, 2012

This is what is on my mind today. Some people just aren't content with what they've got. I know because I am one of them. And yes, I should be content with what I have because I have an amazing, healthy baby boy and people who love me. I am happy to have what I have and so lucky. I've always felt like I needed something more, though. I have felt like without having someone who wants to be with you everyday and loves and cherishes you, you don't amount to anything; like you don't exist almost. I used to think that I had to have someone else to live for, like living for myself wasn't enough. I don't quite feel like that anymore, but I still get extremely lonely. I feel like I have no purpose in life at times but now that I have B it's not so bad. When I did have a boyfriend, I made sure that he knew how much he meant to me. I'd never have done anything to betray his trust or sabotage the relationship. I would make mistakes, yes, but I still never made my boyfriend feel like I didn't want him.

Now what I don't understand is how girls can take their men for granted. Having a guy that loves me and wants to be with me is something I cherish and hold onto even when I should let go. I'd never betray my man's trust. Girls who think one man is not enough for them are just ridiculous. Don't throw it all away for a fling! No relationship that starts out as an affair is going to work anyway. Girls need to be happy with what they have and if they aren't don't hurt them by cheating on them. Just be the better person and end it.

I would be lucky to find a man who loved me despite my illness and all my faults. I saw a quote from yesterday that said "I myself am entirely made up of flaws stitched together with good intentions." I think that describes me in a nutshell. I never intended to harm my last relationship. I fought so hard I drove myself crazy, not to mention everyone around me. I was already halfway crazy in the first place. I have flaws that no man I've been with can see past. This last one was the only one worth fighting for but in the end it didn't matter. I wish they all could see past them, because all I have are good intentions. I have a great big heart that would let almost anyone in, and I value every relationship I have. In that way I wish more people were like me. Too many people have taken me for granted, and I only have one thought left to share. When this year is all said and done and all the people who meant something to me are not around, will it have been my fault, or theirs?

I guess I ventured off topic again, but the moral of my story is don't take anyone for granted. If you are lucky enough to be able to share your life with people who are genuine and accept you for you, don't betray them, cherish them because the ones who are truly genuine deserve that kind of treatment in return.

Mommy&B

Bentley's weekend

These are just some photos of Bentley from over the weekend at Grandma Janie's house.

Mommy&B

Day 20 March 4, 2012

Sunday was another good day. We spent the morning and afternoon in Mankato with Mom and Joel. Chanse and Laney came to Mom's and brought Thoran and Bentley their birthday presents and stayed to watch the race. Lara, Bentley, and I went to Grandma Marlene's to visit her also. She broke her ankle a few weeks back when she slipped on some ice. Poor Grandma. It's a good thing she has Carlyle to take care of her! We went to see Grandma Beth on Saturday, too. Spending time with family is always a good way to make me feel better. Sometimes, though, I get anxious and feel like just retreating to my room to take a nap. I don't know why this is really, but I wish it would stop happening. When there gets to be a lot of people around I just feel like being alone. I will usually go to the office and play around on facebook or something when this happens. It just confuses me so much because when I am forced to be alone, I hate it, but when I am around a lot of people, I want to be alone. I guess I will always have a hard time being content. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way complaining about spending time with my family because I love to spend time with my family. I love being around people who love me and accept me for the way I am; for who I am. They will never leave my side because I make a stupid mistake or because I have an illness. They are there for me through thick and thin because they love me unconditionally. No one else could ever say that about me. I guess that I don't deserve to have people in my life that can't accept me for me. Why should I let them be a part of my life or rule my world? They aren't going to matter when it really counts anyway because when the going gets tough, they'll be gone. So why am I so stuck? Why am I stuck on this guy that can't accept me, and why can't I be with someone who does? When the time is right of course. Hold on, I think I got off topic. The point of the story is that I have people who do accept me for me and I love them for that and I shouldn't let anyone else in my life that doesn't. I need to make it a point to go see my family more often, then maybe I won't feel the way I do all the time. Yes, family is something I will never take for granted. I love you all! Mommy&B

Day 19 March 3, 2012

On Saturday Bobi, Lara, Thoran, Bentley, and myself packed up and headed north to Mankato. The three of us can all have a great time when we are together. We always get to laughing at stupid things and its really fun. Lara swore she saw a woman having a very stern conversation with the tree in her front yard in Stockton. In Hays, we had a big debate on which drive-thru's we were going to go through and Lara wanted to go to two, but was completely content on going through all of them. Bobi was singing along with her CD that must have been pretty popular back in the 90's. Thoran and Bentley were chattering up a storm, which was annoying for Lara I guess. We had a good ride up, though. I love spending time with my sisters (when we are all in good moods). Sometimes I just want to ring Lara's neck, but it's OK because at the end of the day we still love each other. Bobi is like my second mom, sometimes I actually accidentally call her mom! Let me tell you I have no idea where I would be today if I didn't have those two to help me out. They've both taken Bentley and I in when I had nowhere else to go. When I make a stupid mistake betting it all on something that doesn't work out, they are there to pick me back up again. I will have to think of a way to repay them someday. I don't know how I will ever be able to, but I'll find a way. All in all, Saturday was a good day. I got to spend time with some of my most favorite people, my family. It's always good to spend time with the ones you love the most. I definitely needed it. Mommy&B

Day 18 March 2, 2012

On Friday Doc, Becky, and I went up to Hays to get some Harley-Davidson gear for Becky's new Heritage Softail. While we were there, Becky decided that she needed to get Bentley some positively adorable clothes! Becky absolutely spoils Bentley rotten and I think she loves it. Bentley is so lucky to have such great people in his life. His family and friends of the family all just love and adore him. We are both blessed.

These photos above and video are again from my ancient phone, sorry.

Mommy&B

Bentley at the office

I had to snap this one with my incredibly ancient phone, but I was working on my computer and I turn around to find Bentley here, under the patient files. How cute! Bentley has been sick since Tuesday with a fever and lots of crud in his sinuses making him cough and have a runny nose. He has been here at the office since then and has found lots of stuff to get into! I am ready for him to go back to the babysitter, but I will miss him :(

Mommy&B

Day 17 March 1, 2012

One thing I learned from Steph is that I can't compare myself to other people. I am ME and I can't base my life or my view of myself on other people's expectations. I can't put myself down for not achieving what other people have achieved. I have trouble with this. First of all I have trouble acknowledging my accomplishments. I see other people's accomplishments and think "if only I could do better." I mean really there aren't a lot of things I have done that almost everyone else hasn't done. If I am wrong, go ahead and try to prove it. I have one thing in mind and that's my photography scholarship award. Now go....Can't think of anything? Exactly. I am the only one of my siblings who hasn't graduated college. Lara is graduating in May. I've always lived in Lara's shadow. She was always one step ahead of me; always winning the spelling bees while I was forever stuck in second place. She was always liked by more people; she was class president and again I was stuck in second place voted as vice-president. People in our class called me the evil twin. She was salutatorian and I was only in the top six or our class. I can't help feeling that if I hadn't been sick all those years, could I have been better? I guess it doesn't matter because I can't go back and change a thing. Why can't I just be alone and be OK with that? Do I really hate myself that much? My self-esteem is non-existent and I don't think I know why. This is all just a mystery to me that I can't solve. I hope a year from now I will have it all figured out and I will be truly at peace with myself. Mommy&B

Day 16 February 29th, 2012

First of all, Happy Leap Day! woohoo...now enough of that. OK so... I went to see Stephanie and I learned a couple of things as usual. First and foremost I learned that no one can have an honestly successful healthy relationship until both people in that relationship are healthy and I am not, but that's OK it's just not my time yet. I don't love myself and I can't love someone else in a healthy way until I love myself. So now I have to find a way to love myself. This is going to be hard. I figure my family loves me because they are family, but no one else seems to be able to. I don't know I get my ex-boyfriends telling me quite often that they love me and want me back but given the chance I bet they wouldn't for long! They don't matter anyway; they are my past and I don't want to go back there. No, I need to love myself. But I don't know if I can. I have to tell myself these certain things everyday like, "I am not crazy." and "I am beautiful inside and out." But I don't know if that will work. I can tell myself anything like the sky is pink, but it doesn't make it true. We will see if it helps or not soon enough I suppose. It is a good thing I'm moving, too, because I have to stay away from people who make me sad or think about things I shouldn't have to think about and living three doors down from my ex-boyfriend that I still miss everyday and seeing him just kills me. This move will help me out a lot. No one ever told me this year was going to be easy. I wish it could be, but if it was I probably won't be the way I am today. I wouldn't have this blog, either. I'm sure things will get better with time. I will try my hardest. Mommy&B

Day 15 February 28, 2012

My baby boy is sick. :( He has been running a fever that has gotten as high as 101.5 and now he has to take some antibiotics. He is just the sweetest little boy, so cute and lovable! Bentley doesn't even let on that he is sick though. It's funny because he acts like he has just as much energy as he always does running around and climbing on things with the biggest smile on his little face. You can tell, though, in his eyes that he doesn't feel good. He has been coughing and his nose gets so packed with gunk. The poor thing. He's a trooper though, always has been. I am so lucky to be able to call him my son. I love my Bentley SO MUCH. I hope he gets better soon. Mommy&B

Thought I'd share this photo I took of the sky on HWY 56 towards Garfield.

Mommy&B

Bentley's Idea of Fun w/ Sparring Gloves

I know I have been lagging with the photos of Bentley lately, but today he has a fever (though you wouldn't be able to tell he is sick) so he is here at the office with me and I caught some photos of him playing with the new sparring gloves that just came in. I hit them a couple times and so he started to hit them, too. Then he thought he would try to get both hands and both feet on one glove and that didn't work too well! Hope you enjoy these.

Mommy&B

Day 14 February 27, 2012

Negative People Are Poison Do you readers have any people in your life who just love to bring you down, or make you mad or upset, or in any way have a negative effect on your mood or your well-being? I know I do. Why are people like that? All I can come up with is that they aren't content with their own lives so they don't want anyone else to be. I don't know, but it's something that I don't want to deal with anymore. All negative people in your life do is cause you to have bad emotions and bring you down. My friend, Stephanie, says that I should surround myself with positive people who make me feel good about myself and don't hold me back from being the best I can be. Have you ever been really proud of an accomplishment or something you have improved on? Did you tell people about it? In turn did your friend or whomever praise you or did they criticize you? The latter happened to me just last night and it wasn't the first time. I've been boxing and getting pretty good and I shared that with a friend and in return I got a negative comment. This friend just can't believe I can throw a good punch or be good at all at boxing. Now if you've been reading every post you'd know that I've been trying new things and I'm very happy with my progress, and when people put me down it upsets me. I'm trying to be my best self! I'd have never known what I was capable of if I was still on the same path I was a month ago, and I'm so happy that I am learning new things! But for anyone to bring me down for trying is so frustrating! At this point in my life I will not associate with anyone who has a negative effect on my happiness. The only people I want in my life are ones who are going to encourage me to keep trying, fighting, and forging a new and better me; one that is truly the best I can be. Mommy&B

Days 12 & 13 February 25 & 26, 2012

This weekend was a blast! I spent all weekend out at the Wrays' house. We have been working on a couple of projects. First of all, we are working on getting the indoor pool running again. We sucked all the water out of it and filled it up again, we cleaned it and treated the water and now we are waiting on a new filter basket then it's all set! Bentley is going to love swimming! I can't wait to get him in the pool. He will have a lot of time in it too, because we are moving! Dr. Wray and Becky have a trailer house on their property and they were both so kind to offer to let me stay there. That was our second project of the weekend. Actually it will be a project for the next three or four weekends. Since no one has lived there in a while and they were using it for storage, we have lots of work to do. We're going to have lots of cleaning, maintenance, and moving to do. It's a great trailer! There's so much room it just blows me away. Compared to my duplex, it's a dream! I'm learning new things, too. Last weekend I learning how to ride a dirt bike, and I'm going to move up from there until I can drive a Harley!!! It turned out to be a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. Next, I will learn how to drive the BMW motorcycle, which is bigger than the dirt bike, but smaller than the Harleys. Becky, her son, Brandon, and I are going to take a motorcycle course and get our licenses in May and I am so excited! Another thing I am learning is boxing. I absolutely LOVE this, because I have anger issues and it's a great way to let my anger out, and I have a lot. This way is a lot more productive, too. It feels so empowering. I think great things are happening to me, and I can't wait to see how these next couple of months pan out. Things get better with baby steps. Now that I am focusing on myself and Bentley, life is getting better. I had no idea that I could do stuff like this: boxing and motorcycles!? I never would have given myself the credit. My life is turning around, I still have so far to go, but I can see it's going in the right direction. Mommy&B

Dancing in the Weight Room

This is of course, a video of Bentley dancing to Journey (!) while Becky and I were working out in the weight room last night.

Mommy&B

Day 11 February 24, 2012

I decided to tell you all the story of Bentley's father. Please be aware that nothing I post on this blog I write for sympathy. I don't expect sympathy from anyone. I am very happy with the way my life is when it comes to Bentley and his father's relationship. It's pretty much non-existent and I'm fine with that.

I met Bentley's father, Sean on December 18, 2009. Looking back on it now I have no idea why I was interested in him, but he was interested in me and at that time in my life I welcomed the feeling of being wanted. He asked for my number and asked if I would go back to his place, which I denied. After that I went off to Hays and he would ask me to come and hang out with him and his friends almost every weekend, so I did. It wasn't long before we were dating, despite all the negative comments about him from my friends. Like all my relationships, things got serious pretty fast and he was asking me to move in with him over the summer. I said it wouldn't be a good idea, but he insisted. So I did. Four months after we started dating I was pregnant.

Like I had predicted before things were already going downhill before we got this "wonderful" news and it didn't help any. Sean decided to move to Hays and be with me at the start of the semester, but come September he'd had enough of the crazy pregnant girl who tired to control him. He moved out and we were over. Of course, I knew he'd come back and he did in January. I was eight months pregnant. He told me he wanted to wake up with us every morning and so on. So we were back on and Bentley came in February. Sean had a job in Salina, so in April we moved down to Assaria so we could be together. We were never meant to live in the same space, though. Things got bad again and at the end of June he loaded up whatever he could fit in his crappy little truck and drove to Florida. He begged me to move down there with him, but there was no way that was happening. In September of 2011 I'd learned that he moved back and brought some girl with him that he'd met three days before he left, but that didn't bother me none. She left her son down in Florida with his father's mom. What bothered me, though, was that he didn't want me to know he was back and didn't see him for eight months. He has seen him once since June, 2011. I can't wait for the day that Bentley finally gets a real father. That day will be one of the best days of my life.

Mommy&B

Day 10 February 23, 2012

OK, this is going to be kind of a "woe is me, I'm depressed" post, but it has a purpose to it, I promise. I apologize, but this is just me.

Sometimes, when I sit on my couch at the end of the day, Bentley in bed and me not able to sleep, I am crippled by this overwhelming overall unhappiness. A sadness is buried inside of me that never really goes away, despite all my attempts to get rid of it. On nights like this one, it shows its ugly self. I feel like I'm wasting away with no one to share my life with except of course, Bentley. But it seems like there should be more to it. Who do I share my "grown-up" life with? I don't have anyone.

A couple months ago, I had all I ever wanted, but I screwed that up, too. I had never realized that I was sick until last week, so how was I to know everything would go wrong? I thought I had finally found "the one". He was everything I ever dreamed of in a man and more. Perfect for me, but like I said I'm the one that messed us up, and I will never forget it.

But I've been thinking, that maybe my total screw up was a blessing in disguise. After all, if we were still together I still wouldn't know I was sick. I guess I wasn't ready for him, or "the one", whoever he is. A year from now, I hope we can be friends and who knows maybe we can have a second chance, or maybe that's just the crazy talking. Nevertheless, I wish him the best of happiness, because after all that's happened between us I still care about him and want him to be happy. Hopefully I will be happy someday, too. I'm just not sure happiness will be making a permanent stay at my house anytime soon. I have yet to find contentment, but it's OK; I have time.

Mommy&B

Day 9 February 22, 2012

This post is going to be geared toward one of the most important people in my life other than Bentley. She has always been a huge part of my life.

To my very closest sister, Lara,

I want you to know how happy I am for you, and most importantly how proud I am of you. You have always been a shining star and someone I've always looked up to. You are the model of everything I ever hoped to be. In my eyes, you are invincible. You just never seem to be touched by all the problems I've seen. In a world that I just can't seem to figure out, you have it all together and I admire you for that. I wish I could be more like you. I've always felt like I'm living in your shadow, but I could never resent you for that. My life and the path that I forged for myself was not your fault. I should have been more like you. I will never stop loving you even though we never tell each other. Ours is a silent love, like telepathy you could call it.

Now you get to feel that love for someone else, and I promise you it will be amazing. I know there are things you aren't looking forward to, like the sickness and drawing blood and the belly and labor. Then feeding and changing and diaper bags and burp rags, but it is all worth it in the end. I remember when I was in labor and you cried when you saw me in so much pain, but it was worth it, pain and all.

I want to give you some advice. Don't focus on the negative things. Be excited! Take all your pills, even if it makes you throw up in your car, it happens to the best of us. And don't worry about people seeing you throwing up or anything like that. It doesn't matter what random people you don't even know think, and you have a pretty good excuse anyway, your modesty will fly out the window eventually.

If you start to go crazy and Mitch tells you so, don't worry, he's probably right and it is definitely OK. My friend, Steph told me so and she specializes in that stuff. When you do go into labor, people tell you to bring all this stuff to make you more comfortable, but even if you plan to use it, you probably won't so don't sweat the small stuff. Bring what you need and forget about the rest.

Milk that hospital stay for all it's worth. You will miss the nurses when you're gone! If you want, I am always here to help. Don't ever be afraid to ask anyone for help.

Last, don't ever give up your dreams. You worked too hard for them. You can do anything you set your mind to. I've always believed in you and so has the rest of our family. You are loved by many and Baby Ketterl will be, too. Keep on trudging forward and don't ever stop. Bentley and I love you and don't you ever forget it!

Love,

Kari

Mommy&B

Day 8 February 21, 2012

Bath time with Bentley

If there is one thing in Bentley's schedule that he loves, it's bath time. He is always trying to crawl into the tub. He splashes around and plays with his toys and makes waves by doing his little dance groove he does.

Almost everything Bentley does is cute, but it's like his cuteness is magnified by water! The biggest smiles grace his face in that tub. Not a lot of people are or have been able to make him smile like that, and it's sad to say some of those people aren't in his life anymore, but I'm thankful for every day that I and that tub can make him smile.

Last night I gave him a bath with balloons in the tub! They were just the regular balloons but I filled them with water and Bentley loved it! He had a pretty difficult time trying to pick them up and has yet to succeed but he had lots of fun anyway. I thought for sure the balloons would pop when he squeezed them, but they didn't. Next time, I think I will put colored water in actual water balloons and let them pop and the water spill out. Food coloring won't stain the skin or the tub and is safe. I'm very excited to do this activity and take plenty of pictures. I'm slowly learning that there are plenty of things you can do with your child to make everyday tasks or routines fun and exciting, and I'm hoping this will help me be happier with my boring life. I'm already feeling happier, but I still have a long way to go. Thank God I have Bentley to keep me company on this journey!

Mommy&B

Day 7 February 20, 2012

Let's talk about family. If any of you readers are like me, and I'm sure you are, you probably couldn't get by without your family. Am I right? Well that's my case. My family has been there for me unconditionally since that record cold night in December 1989. Believe me I have definitely made my fair share of mistakes. I've chosen the wrong path enough in my life, and since then I've only been trying to go down the right one just to learn it is still wrong, or maybe just not my time, I don't know. But every time I do, my family is always there to steer me straight again.

You can say I had a pretty average childhood. I've got my twin sister, Lara, (which I suppose having a twin isn't average, but oh well) my half-brother, Chanse, and half-sister, Bobi. We grew up together all in the same house, although we were in 1st grade when Bobi went off to college. My mom and dad are divorced, but Dad almost never missed a weekend with us. As far as I'm concerned he was a model divorced father, someone a lot of deadbeat dads should have taken notes from. When I was 8 or so, Mom got remarried to Joel. At first we were scared of him, but we grew to love and respect him. He is a great step dad and I couldn't ask for better. They all have my back. They all worry about me, too. This stage in my life has proven difficult. Sometimes I feel like a fish out of water flopping around with no idea what to do to save myself. But no matter what happens, no matter how crazy I seem to be, they will always be there. I love them all.

I guess for a while now I've been looking for someone that can love me like my family loves me; someone who sees past all my faults and craziness and only sees how passionate and loving and loyal and honest I can be. I may not see myself as perfect, but I can take pride in those things. And maybe it is more of a fault that I can feel that way towards someone. It hasn't seemed to hook me a keeper yet. I'm hoping that after this year, I will finally be able to be with my soul mate; whoever he is, the one who loves me like my family does. They will never leave me, no matter how crazy I was, no matter what stupid mistakes I make. I know I am a good person. The way I am now is not the real me, but at the end of these 366 days, I truly believe I can be a 10, or at least an 8 :) I think any guy would be lucky to have me. My family knows they are, and my soul mate will, too.

Mommy&B

Here is Bentley's cake table. It has photos of him that I took when he was almost 11 months old behind his cake.

Mommy&B

Thought I'd share this edited photo of Bentley with his yellow balloon that he got from Deb Seevers over at Tune Time Deli in Kinsley. I've learned over the weekend that he LOVES balloons!

Mommy&B

Bentley's Birthday Cake (Day 6)

I am pretty sure most children are supposed to dive into their cake headfirst and act like the cookie monster or something, but not Bentley. When I gave it to him he did grab hold of it and put little holes in the side, but after that he really just kind of picked at it. He ate some, but not a whole lot. It definitely isn't because it was no good, because come on, Becky and I made it! We have had a lot of trouble in the past getting him to eat cake. Nevertheless, it was a very good day and I am very happy with Bentley's first birthday party! I can definitely wait for the next one, though!!

Mommy&B

Day 6 February 19, 2012

THE BIG DAY!

This was it! The day of Bentley's very first birthday party was finally here! Just for your information, since I have so many photos I want to share with you, I will be doing two posts today about his birthday party.

Bentley had almost all of his favorite people in attendance. There was his Grandma Janie and Grandpa Joel, Grandpa Roger and Grandma Jo. He had his Aunt Bobi, Uncle Aaron, and cousins Andrew and Thoran. Aunt Lara and Uncle Mitch and cousin Kayden were of course there (it was held at their house). He also got to see Dr. Wray, Becky and their kids, too. Bentley is no doubt loved by many people. I was very sorry to hear that his Great Grandma Marlene couldn't come because she had fallen and broken her ankle and I hope she starts feeling better very soon. Uncle Chanse, Aunt Samantha and his cousins Haley, Kinsey, and Laney also couldn't make it, but the party went on and we had a great time!

Bentley got lots of presents! I think listing them all would take forever and be pretty boring to you readers, so I found some of the best photos that Aunt Lara took and decided to share them with you.

I want to give a very special thanks to everyone who came and shared Bentley's big day with him and everyone who gave him presents, I appreciate everything that everyone does and has done for both of us and WE LOVE YOU!!

Mommy&B