Day 88 May 11, 2012

It's been a while...I know I am slacking. A lot of the time, I just don't have anything significant to write about. But this week has been CRAZY! I feel like I could write a book! I won't complain, I am going to put a positive spin on everything and learn from it all. That is my new philosophy in life. Well here goes!

First of all, Congratulations to my little sister, Tiarra. Ryliegh Kay is beautiful and I can't wait to meet her!
Now, on to the craziness of the week. It's been a weird one for sure. I lost my babysitter. I feel terrible about her injury causing her to have to have surgery. She will be out for a couple of months at least. Now I have my little trouble maker at work. I don't know how to pay for a different babysitter, as I am getting daycare assistance through SRS and have to have someone with SRS watch him. I am getting tired of waiting for Child Support Enforcement to get things done, so maybe finally I could get some help from Bentley's father. So I need to call them today and see what the hold up is. I am at a loss to figure that one out yet. The babysitter thing is really eating at me, I can't bare the thought of taking B to someone that neither of us know. It would break my heart and the thought of it almost brings me to tears. It's one of those problems that can't get solved right away and it just builds up in my mind and kills me slowly.
Another thing that I am struggling to figure out is my car. On Wednesday I had yet another blowout. We got the donut on the car and drove it back out to the house and when I went to go to work this morning, low and behold, the car was dead AND the other tire was flat. I just can't catch a break! This week I got my income tax return back and I was planning on buying Nathan's car and he was going to take mine and fix it up for himself. Well it was a good plan in the beginning. My first priority with the money was to pay off all my debts. I paid off my loan at the bank and then I paid off the debts on my credit report. I thought I was done at that. Well I was wrong. I found out that I needed to pay a month of my old energy bill because the new tenants neglected to get their own crap taken care of, then I found out that I was being sued by another debtor that wasn't on my credit report. This debt was one that wasn't even my fault! I am going to rip Dish Network another butt hole! So anyway I used the car money to pay that off and now I don't have enough money to buy Nathan's car. So now I am stuck with a car that only has two functioning wheels and a plethora of other problems. My only option I can think of it to use the rest of the money to fix what I can with my car.
I think the moral of the story is not to make plans, and don't take things for granted. One day you could have everything going good and in a week, everything could be upside down. I am managing to control my feelings about all of this, but I did have a little bit of a mini meltdown a bit ago. I was getting so angry that I had to actually write down all of the anger I had built up inside and it really did help. So I learn something new every day. I can put a positive spin on some things. :) One thing I do know is that life will go on, and everything will be OK. I'll figure it out. When I do, I will let you know how it goes!
Mommy&B

Day 74 April 27th, 2012

I have been thinking lately about what I have learned so far in the last couple of months. The most important thing I think that I have learned is that everything happens for a reason. I accept that philosophy full-heartedly and I believe it. Last night, I was thinking about some of the mistakes I have made and some of the instances in my life and the choices I have made throughout my lifetime. I always thought I had messed up. I thought I had failed my parents and cheated myself out of having a good life. What I hadn't realized is that everything I have ever done has led me to where I am today, and I am happy. I am glad my life has been the way it has. Do I ever wish I'd done things differently? Perhaps, but I don't regret anything. Every sad thing, everyone that broke my heart, every time I got dumped or rejected or had failed in some way has led me to the me I am today. I love me today. If my last boyfriend hadn't broken things off with me, I would NOT be the girl I am today. I am so happy he did and I can say that with absolutely no doubt in my mind. I had to change. I had to shape up. I wasn't the way I needed to be, for myself and especially for Bentley. We both had to get to a happier place in our lives. I appreciate that and I can't say enough that I'm so glad my life is the way it is today. Everything is falling into place. I am comfortable with my life and the simplest of pleasures. I will never take this life for granted. I can see the big picture now. I can see myself happy no matter what happens and I LOVE it. I can't imagine things being any better than they are now. I owe it all to three people. I have to thank Nathan for giving me the involuntary push I needed, and Stephanie for helping me figure out the mess of my life, and for Bentley for always needing me and being the reason I needed to change. I thank every day I have all of them in my life as well as my family and my friends. They are all my reason for happiness every day. I love all you guys!
Mommy&B

Day 66 April 19, 2012

This was a really fun little shoot. A few problems were that Rocky the big ol' German Shepherd kept trying to get in front of me and the camera, and Bentley was way too curious about the edge of the ramp. Unfortunately our shoot was cut short because of the little guy's curiosity. He fell off the ramp. :( It was terrible I almost broke my camera trying to get to him as fast as I could. Fortunately little boys never remember stuff like that at this age. He has already forgotten about it. I don't think there will be any more photos being taken on the ramp unless there is another person to act as spotter. At any rate, I love how these photos turned out.

Mommy&B

Day 64 April 17, 2012

I know you guys don't hear from me as much as I wish you did, but I get so caught up in myself sometimes that I don't have the energy or the focus and concentration to get the posts written. I am disappointed with myself in a way for this. This project is supposed to be my pride and joy, and in many ways it is, but I am lacking. The good news is that things are going well in life these days. I couldn't be happier. For some reason I feel content with the way my life is unfolding. It is a great feeling; not worrying about anything. Whenever I start to have ruminating thoughts, I make sure I focus on something else, so I don't stew over it. I wish I could be that way all the time. I have to give Stephanie all the credit in the world. She has helped me so much these last two months. I have gone a long way. There is still a lot to work on, no doubt, but I am loving the progress. I am able to do so much more, feel so much better, and think so much clearer and more rational. I think I got to the point that I had to make a decision to make things different, OR ELSE, and that was what put things over the edge and changed everything. I have a new attitude about things. It feels great. I am so grateful for everything I have in my life today. I read something on a sign today that said..."Contentment is not fulfillment of things you want, but the realization of what you already have in life." I can finally say, at least for now, that I am content. Mommy&B

Day 58: April 11, 2012

I am struggling a little bit these days. I don't feel like I am getting any better. Some days I feel like I am getting worse. I don't know why, but that's how I feel. I need to do something that will make me feel good about myself. I don't know what to do, though. What can I do to make myself feel better? I must admit that I did do something earlier this week that was definitely a step in the right direction, but I feel terrible for doing it. I think it was the right thing to do, but I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to at all. I had to make a choice to leave myself vulnerable to getting hurt, or protect my heart. I wanted so bad to be my ex's friend, but I can't. It hurts too much. He wanted to be friends "for now". I have to respect the fact that he needs to get all of his ducks in a row and figure out what he wants or who he wants. I can't deprive him of that, but I can't watch him do it either. It's best for my heart to keep my distance. I don't like not being able to talk to him at all. I miss him and think about him a lot. I hope I am doing the right thing for both of us. I hope that he can respect what I did. I did it for both of us. What will happen in the future? Who knows. There's no way to tell. Maybe next year I will be ready for a relationship with someone. Maybe by that time I will have been able to move on. I hope this pain in my heart subsides. Until then, I will have this sad feeling stuck there. Until then, I will have to assure myself everyday that I made the right decision. I was kind of harsh to him when I did it and I hope he can forgive me for that, too. It wasn't right, but I feel like he knows why. In the end, I just hope that I can be happy one day. I guess we will see where this road leads me. Mommy&B

Day 57 April 10, 2012

First of all, sorry I have been posting anything for a while. I have been away from the computer for quite a while. Think of it as an Easter vacation. Ok, so I have been toying with this idea since about two weeks after I started my blog. I wanted to reward myself for the progress I have made so far. When I decided what I wanted to do, I was so excited. I finally got to reward myself last weekend and I love it. This is a symbol of myself working hard to become independent and not needing anyone other than myself...and B of course. The end result is not done yet, and I may not finish it until the end of my year of changing into this way better person. I wanted something to symbolize the saying "She flies with her own wings." So, I got a swallow tattooed on me. Not everyone will agree with my decision to get yet another tattoo, but all I can say is that I'm extremely proud of it. It doesn't matter to me what anyone else thinks. I love it, and I love the fact that it means so much to me. I have gained so much strength in making the right choices, even if I hate that decision. I am proud of myself, and I can't even believe I can say that! Overall, I am very happy with my life as of today. Everyday could be better, but for now, I am right where I should be. I'm thankful for every day that I can progress.

Mommy&B

Day 51 April 4th, 2012

Days have been going kind of slow lately. Not much is happening. I've been busy working with my dogs and keeping them in line. The other day I took B swimming with his floaty boat type thing and it was great to not have to hold him. That floaty is my new best friend. B had to get some more immunizations yesterday and that was horrible. He had to get FIVE shots! Poor guy just screamed and bawled and then turned around and wrapped his arms around my neck until he stopped crying. It made me so sad. I hate it when he feels that way, but I love it when he loves on me. Boy though, he was in a bad mood the rest of the day! We've been doing alright, though. Things have been a lot better since I moved. I am a lot happier out there. I feel like I am at the beginning of a better life. Everything is going to be OK for me and my baby boy. Mommy&B