Day 58: April 11, 2012

I am struggling a little bit these days. I don't feel like I am getting any better. Some days I feel like I am getting worse. I don't know why, but that's how I feel. I need to do something that will make me feel good about myself. I don't know what to do, though. What can I do to make myself feel better? I must admit that I did do something earlier this week that was definitely a step in the right direction, but I feel terrible for doing it. I think it was the right thing to do, but I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to at all. I had to make a choice to leave myself vulnerable to getting hurt, or protect my heart. I wanted so bad to be my ex's friend, but I can't. It hurts too much. He wanted to be friends "for now". I have to respect the fact that he needs to get all of his ducks in a row and figure out what he wants or who he wants. I can't deprive him of that, but I can't watch him do it either. It's best for my heart to keep my distance. I don't like not being able to talk to him at all. I miss him and think about him a lot. I hope I am doing the right thing for both of us. I hope that he can respect what I did. I did it for both of us. What will happen in the future? Who knows. There's no way to tell. Maybe next year I will be ready for a relationship with someone. Maybe by that time I will have been able to move on. I hope this pain in my heart subsides. Until then, I will have this sad feeling stuck there. Until then, I will have to assure myself everyday that I made the right decision. I was kind of harsh to him when I did it and I hope he can forgive me for that, too. It wasn't right, but I feel like he knows why. In the end, I just hope that I can be happy one day. I guess we will see where this road leads me. Mommy&B