Day 49 April 2, 2012

Last weekend was GREAT! I had such a good few days. I couldn't have asked to have been much happier. Friday started the weekend off right. Doc and Becky and I rode the motorcycles into town to work and I just love riding with them. It feels so awesome to be able to do something I never thought I'd be able to do! It was gorgeous outside too! Becky's son had a track meet so we went to that after work. We just laid around in the sun on a blanket for a couple of hours. I don't think I got any darker though. :( I also got my new phone! I was literally the happiest girl ever on Friday. I love being so happy. It's not normal!! I hope it starts to become normal for me, though. Friday ended for me in my hometown with my family in Mankato. It felt great to be home. Even though we don't act like we are happy to be together, we all know that we are. On Saturday, I went and got my new puppies! I was so excited. The plan was to get one, but I just couldn't split up the brothers, so I got both of them. I think I bit off more than I can chew at this point, but I have a feeling it will get better. Most people think they are ugly, but I think they are pretty cute! We also all as a family went to the park and had a supper picnic! It was a great way to kill some extra time with the family and have fun. We stayed there for maybe three hours! I know the kids all had a blast, even Bentley! He loves to slide down the slide now! Sunday came too soon, though and we had to all go home, but its good to be back home. I need to work on my house some more! Always stuff to do! I' m pretty content with my life right now. I am starting to not hate it so much. It is growing on me! I just have to keep improving and making our lives better every day!

Mommy&B

Day 45 March 29, 2012

Today is just one of those days that is long and boring and I really have nothing too interesting to write about. I do have one piece of news...I am getting a PUPPY! I can't wait to take pictures of Bentley and the new puppy when I get him. So I will be writing about him next week! I will keep you updated! Mommy&B

Day 43 March 27, 2012

I love learning that I can do things I never even thought of before. I learned how to drive a motorcycle! We rode into town on our way into work today. It was awesome. I love riding. It feels so empowering to be able to learn new things. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be able to say that I could drive a motorcycle. Next step is to start practicing on a Harley. Too bad I will never be able to afford one. :( I am also learning how to fight. It's mostly self-defense stuff, but I love that, too! It gives you a whole lot more confidence in yourself. All of the new stuff I learn makes me feel better about myself. Before, I felt almost useless. I didn't have anything special about me except that I could shoot photos and now days anyone can do that. The more things I know, the better I feel. I don't feel so useless anymore. I've gained so much confidence in the last month. I've learned a life lesson, too. I wish I could go back to high school and never had a boyfriend because I think back at all the stuff I could have done or learned if I hadn't spent all my energy on keeping up with my boyfriend. I could have been such a better person. But I am trying now! I hope I can learn way more stuff as time goes on. Mommy&B

Day 42 March 26, 2012

I've found recently that my attitude towards the future could use a little adjusting. I have been told numerous times that I am pessimistic. I thought of it more as realism than pessimism, but I get what they were saying. I can be very pessimistic. For once, I want to be optimistic. I want to look forward to what the future holds, and not because of someone else, but because I am happy being alone. I want to see the good in everything. I want to have goals I can try to reach. Mainly, I just want to be able to anticipate something good about the future. I can do anything I set my mind to, can't I? But the pessimist in me says "well yeah, but you have to have plenty of money for that." Why can't I just think good thoughts without a bad one ruining it? If I think happy I can be happy, but those unhappy thoughts are always there. I don't know maybe my brain won't let me be happy. Everything I think is laced with negative thoughts. How do I get this problem under control I wonder? Things are good in my life for the most part, so why can't I just think happy thoughts? I guess I will have to ask Stephanie at out next visit. Mommy&B

Day 41 March 25, 2012

All weekend was spent moving into my new place in Wrayville. It was a great weekend! I LOVE my new house. It's so much bigger than any place I have ever had on my own. I have yet to put most of my stuff away, though. That's the part I hate. It will take forever I think. At least I got Bentley's room done. This is the first time ever that he's had his own room all to himself! It makes me so happy that he can have his own space. He even has a play room! I can tell that he loves it there by the way he acts. For the first time in a long time I am genuinely happy! I don't have to drive into town every night after spending the evening with the Wrays working out or whatever we may do. I don't have to live right next to people that I don't like or don't want to see. One of the best things about my new place is that alone. I can be proud of it, too and I love that. Another thing I love about it is that you can walk out the front door and be welcomed by a ton of stars in the sky! It is awesome. It's so peaceful out in the country. There are so many things to do, too. I feel like I am exactly where I need to be now. Can't wait to see what the future holds for me and Bentley. Mommy&B

Day 38 March 22, 2012

It's been a very slow week; a CRAZY week. I didn't like this week at all. I FINALLY got the SIM card for my very crappy phone. It took me over a half an hour talking to customer service representatives last night trying to get it activated. Apparently no one knew what they were doing. Going without a phone for a week is the worst. I wouldn't wish it on anyone! This week I also had to learn a hard lesson...you would think this lesson was learned by now. I've come to the realization a very long time ago that life is not fair, but everything happens for a reason. I don't need to keep learning. I'm tired of learning the lessons. I just want to be happy. I don't think I will ever know why the events of last week had to happen, I was doing very good I think until then. Who knows. I will figure it out. This week we have also been working hard on getting the "embassy" ready for me to move my stuff in. Today or tomorrow we are bringing all of my stuff out! I'm so excited. I am so ready to get away from Seventh Street. I am ready for B to finally get his own room AND a playroom! I've never ever lived in a house with two bathrooms! OK well I have, but we tore it out pretty quickly after we moved in. I am so ready for a new start. I have big plans in store. One thing is for sure, I need to get back to the things that I love to do. Tonight, I get a sparring partner and I have been working out a lot. I want a better body. It's time I work on my happiness and loving myself, but I won't love myself if my body stays the way it is. I want to be a girl that people underestimate. I want to be able to do anything; things that would make guys proud of me, and girls too. You know what I mean, though? I want to shock people. When I think about the things I could learn to do, I get so excited. My future is looking bright. I can't wait to see how it turns out. This week has been a little bump in the road, but I have confidence that I will be just fine. Mommy&B

Day 37 March 21, 2012

Remember when I said that everything happens for a reason? The other night I had an experience that made my confidence and belief in this saying just soar through the roof. I don't know why part of it happened, but I know why the other part happened. Last week, my ex-boyfriend stepped right back into my life and my heart like he had never gone. It was easy for me to feel OK again, but I knew I had to be careful or I was going to just end up going in reverse. I think I was. No, I know I was. For three days he was the old guy that I fell so hard for, then as quick as he came, he was gone again. I didn't understand what was going on. Finally he told me he was going to date someone else. He wanted her for a very long time, and she finally is giving him a chance. For a tiny bit of time I couldn't figure out why all this is happening now, after he had stepped back into my life. He was so close I could feel it, but I lost it. After I went home that night, I was laying in bed crying and out of nowhere this thought popped into my head. It was like someone else was speaking to me. It said "It's OK Kari, everything is going to be OK. Everything happens for a reason. You weren't ready yet. Just be patient." JUST BE PATIENT!? I'm trying so hard to be ready! I WANT TO BE READY! How can I be patient? Well, I guess I can't be patient, because I hate being alone. I don't like being alone and I don't love myself...that's what I have to be patient for. This really hit me hard. What I don't understand is why he even came back to me in the first place if he was just going to leave again. Is someone trying to torture me? Is this supposed to be another lesson? I want to take this whole thing positively, but it is really hard for me. I wish this whole thing was easier. Wishing never gets you anywhere, though. I am trying to stay as positive as I can about this whole thing, because I think I ran out of negative. I think I ran out of tears, too. For now, I am just impatiently waiting on the days when I am happy and healthy; for myself, and for Bentley. Mommy&B

Day 35 March 19, 2012

Apparently I have a huge self-image problem. I think I look weird. No, I guess I'm not fat, but I must disagree when anyone tells me I have a good body because I don't believe I do. I have fat in all the wrong places and my hips are a mess! I think my calves are too small and it makes me look like I have chicken legs AND knock knees. I would love a body transformation, and that's what I'm trying to work on. I am working out for long periods of time every night, focusing on my problem areas. I should be dieting too, but that is really hard! I will get there, though. I have to give myself positive affirmations to push me along, and it's all part of my healing. I can't love myself if I don't love my body, so I am taking another baby step in the right direction. Mommy&B

Day 34 March 18, 2012

Some of you by now may know that I had for a long time felt somewhat like the "black sheep" of the family. I am learning though through therapy and actions of others that I am not as big of a disappointment as I thought I was. I have realized that my screw-ups in life haven't been as bad as others'. I can still be proud of myself for that at least. Don't get me wrong all my siblings have done stupid things. Bobi would jump off a bridge that nearly killed a person and drive her car across the lake or drive 20 miles to a bar and grill for, what was it cheese balls? That was while she was skipping class. Chanse had a tendency to get in trouble with the law on occasion. He used to think he could outrun the cops and succeeded maybe at least once, but not every time. Lara just had a terrible taste for boyfriends for a while, and so did I. We all had our little "problem areas", but that's just teenager stuff. Mom was lucky to have us, and my parents can honestly say they are lucky to have me, I think. So could any guy. I'm not saying at all that I am better than anyone else, but I can say I try not to make stupid life-threatening mistakes that could ruin my life or the lives of others. Sometimes I pity the parents of some kids. Does that sound like I'm a terrible person? That is not what I intended on sounding like. I'm just trying to make my point. I am not as bad a daughter as I thought I was. Some experiences can give you a new perspective of things. I am praying now for the people who have lost their way. I am also praying for the parents of those people, because I can't imagine how hard it would be to see your child lose their way. I hope I never have to experience that. Yes, I have lost my way a couple of times, but I found my way back. I didn't screw up too terribly bad, I must say. I may have made some choices in life that were disappointing at the time, but all in all, no one can complain. The actions I have taken in my past have lead me to where I am today, and I am truly happy for that. Even if my family wasn't happy with me, there is nothing they could do to change the past. It is over and all I can do is change my future. I have chosen to become the best I can be, one step at a time. I hope that everyone who has lost their way chooses to get back on the right track and be the happiest they can be. I hope that the parents of those people can be as big a support to them as my family are. Mommy&B

St. Patrick's Day Day 33

Saint Patrick's Day is always a day for fun. This year the Wray's and Bentley and I went up to Rush Center for the largest St. Patrick's Day parade in Kansas. It was a lot of fun, but I got sun burnt. :( Chellie and I got to ride on the back of Becky and Doc's Harley's. It was great! Everyone loved the bikes because, let's face it, Harley's are the sh!t! LOL Someday I believe I will need one. The picture above is us together waiting in the shade.

Mommy&B

Bentley LOVES to SWIM

Now that we are getting so close to actually living in "Wrayville" as I call it. Bentley gets to enjoy the perks. I do as well. We get to go swimming! I think it's more fun for him because he just has to sit there. I have to carry him around, but it's worth it to see him this excited! My favorite thing these days to do in "Wrayville" is to ride the motorcycles or work out there in the weight room which is right next to the pool. We always manage to have a good time.

Mommy&B

Day 31 March 15, 2012

Sorry everyone for not putting up a post yesterday, I was not in the office all day so I didn't have access to the Internet to put anything up. OK in other news. I went to see Stephanie yesterday and we had a very good talk. She says I need to realize how "awesome" I am. Her words, not mine. I have a hard time realizing my worth so I wanted to see if you readers had any suggestions. Can you guys think of any reasons that I am awesome? If you do, write a comment below and let me know, because I would love to hear what you readers think. I would also like to share my new philosophy with you. I firmly believe these days that everything happens for a reason. You can't go back and change your past, so why worry about it. It's done and over. The best thing you can do is cast it aside and move on and accept that. I tell myself that everything happens for a reason and everything that happens in my life is leading me to where I am supposed to be. I will be happy one day. These days I am happier than ever. I'm finally not so confused and worrying, wondering what is going on. I just accept what is. That is a great feeling. Stephanie says I have made huge improvements in the last month. They are baby steps, but those steps are vital and she is very proud of me. I am so happy that I can make someone proud. It was a good day yesterday. Mommy&B

Bentley getting tickled!

Mommy&B

Month One :)

Tomorrow is Day 30!!! I am going to see Stephanie and this weekend I plan to reward myself for sticking to all my rules and plans the first month! Baby steps! I will let you know soon what my reward is! Mommy&B

Day 29 March 13, 2012

If anyone ever came and asked me if I believed in soul mates a year ago, I would have said I didn't know, but a while ago that changed. I believe whole-heartedly in soul mates now. In my earlier years I don't think I believed in soul mates because I had these boyfriends that I genuinely cared about, but there was always a problem of some sort. They always had something about them I didn't like; be it their friends or their hobbies, a family member, their habits or anything like that. I learned to either deal with these things or try to change them. How many of you readers have tried to change a boyfriend or girlfriend? Did you succeed? You can't force anyone to change for you! It's not fair! It's not possible. That is why they are all exes! I have to say, though, this last boyfriend I never wanted to change. He is the one who made me realize that there is such a thing as soul mates. When I realized this, I thought it was him. I don't think that's the case anymore, but nevertheless, he did make me believe. I have to thank him for that because I know now that I will never settle again. I asked him once if he believed in soul mates. He said he did and that he knew because of his grandparents. I think of my grandparents, too. Anyway, I believe in soul mates now because I think there is a person who is out there that is completely compatible with you; someone who doesn't make you settle or want to change them. In your eyes this person is flawless and fits you like a puzzle piece. This person will think you are flawless too, no matter how flawed you may be. Your soul mates will love you for who you are. Find that person and I believe you will live a long, happy life together. I can't help but wonder, though, how hard or easy it was for our grandparents to find their soul mates. They didn't have the technology we have today. Has the advances in technology evolved us into pickier people? I mean, my grandpa lived a mile or two away from my grandma growing up, but they didn't meet until after he came back from the war. Was it fate that they lived so close to each other? I don't know, but I wish it was still that easy. Do any of you have a story to share about your grandparents, parents, or your own soul mate? Go ahead and leave a comment below if you want to! Mommy&B

Day 28 March 12, 2012

If you read yesterday's post, you know that Bentley's father, Sean was down to see him on Sunday. Everything went well. He changed every dirty diaper Bentley had and acted as if he had a bomb on his chest that would detonate if B got more than five feet away. I have to say, though, that since he left, B has been way too clingy. At any rate, they had a pretty good day, but when it came time for Sean to go home, I was very abruptly reminded of my childhood. I don't know how many of you readers have divorced parents, or the same arrangement as my parents had. I'm pretty sure the norm for divorced parents is for the dad to get the kids every other weekend. This was our arrangement. Now, my dad lives two hours South of my hometown and he made the drive every other Friday and back every other Sunday religiously. If you know me well, you know I HATE Sundays and if you know me really well, you know why. I bet you can guess. Sunday is the day for leaving. Whenever Dad would take us back to Mom's, I always thought about his drive home. What did it feel like spending 2 days out of 14 with your kids then dropping them off and driving away to spend another 14 days alone? It drove me crazy. It made me so sad. Some days in the beginning I would just go to my room and quietly cry. I don't know if Mom ever knew that. I asked Dad once if he ever cried on the drive home. He said yes, but I can't imagine my dad crying. I never ever blamed either one of my parents for their divorce, especially Mom. It wasn't her fault. For the most part, I thought they handled it pretty well. I know that they did what was best for all of us kids and I have to thank them for that, but sometimes what is best hurts. I'm not saying I had a bad childhood because I wouldn't ever take it back, but I never wanted that life for Bentley. I fought so hard in the beginning to keep our family together. I was certain that it would hurt B like it hurt me when I was little. Yesterday, I was greeted by that old feeling and I realized that I felt the same way when Sean left as I did when Dad left. I thought about his drive home; how did he feel? Was he sad? Did he shed a tear? I would have been. I realized I didn't want to feel that feeling just as much as I didn't want B to ever have to feel it. But what can I do? Time has a way of making pain easier to handle. It also has a way of showing you the reality of it all. I know Sean and I are not supposed to be together. Now all I can do about it is try to have an amazing relationship with him for Bentley. I will do everything I can within reason to keep him from feeling this terrible feeling. Mommy&B This is one of my favorite songs. Some songs have a way of touching your heart, this is one of them. Highway 20 Ride - Zac Brown Band http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZMCkufE0X0

Day 27 March 11, 2012

My Sunday was definitely different than the usual. First of all, Bentley's father was here to visit. This doesn't happen too terribly often. All three of us went to church, too. Now that's just something that never gets done. I have faith in Jesus, but I don't see why we have to get up so early to show it! My Sundays are a sacred sleep-in day, but I had to wake up at 7:45 to get ready for church! After church we went with the Wrays to go eat and then, as per usual, we went out to their house. Bentley got to swim in the pool! He absolutely LOVED it! He splashed around and just screamed with excitement. Outside it was cold and wet so I didn't get to go ride the dirt bikes, but Saturday I did. I brought my nephews out and Andrew rode the little dirt bike and I got to ride the BMW! That's a 600 cc engine. I was a very happy girl. Now back to Sunday. I had my usual workout and Sean and I practiced boxing and we even sparred.I didn't get to kick his butt, but maybe someday I will be good enough to. We also got another room cleaned in the house I'm moving to so we are moving along on that project. I can't wait to get moved out there! It was all-in-all a pretty good day. My life isn't as bad as I sometimes make it out to be. I am blessed and very lucky. I couldn't ask for more right now. Mommy&B

Day 24 March 8, 2012

When this year is over and everything is all said and done, I hope to be at peace with my life, with myself, and with being alone. I never would have thought when I was sixteen that I had Dependent Personality Disorder. Hell, I never even knew there was such a thing until last month. Now I know why all my boyfriends dumped me and at some point thought I was crazy; it's because I was and still am sick. I felt like nothing without them. I needed them to validate my life. How stupid is that? I will admit though things changed a little bit after Bentley was born. All of a sudden it wasn't just me, I needed his father because we were supposed to be a family. I didn't want the split-parent lifestyle for me or for Bentley. That's what killed me when he left. Soon, though, I realized that I was so much happier. I was having a great time. Last fall was the best couple of months I could have asked for, but don't know you it, good things never last. Now I had it set in my head last fall that I was going to be single and love it for a year. I was going out, having a good time, doing my own thing when it hit me out of nowhere. This guy, this mysterious guy just showed up out of the blue. He lit a spark in me that very night I saw him for the first time. I was thinking to myself "don't you dare do anything stupid." I didn't even know his name; and just as fast as he came, he was gone. I didn't think anything of it until the next couple of days. I had been hooked again. I kept thinking I'd be missing out on something if I didn't find him. There was nothing I could do about it though. Back then I called it "fate" when Lara and Mitch met him two weeks later and he thought Lara was me. So he started up a conversation with them. Turns out he was looking for me, too. Lara told me later that she met the "mysterious no-named guy", I found him and I was so excited. Now he was a great guy and an even better talker. I was very intrigued but I didn't want to let my guard down. It wasn't long before that guard fell. A couple weeks maybe. I'd never known a guy as nice as him, that treated me the way he did. It felt so genuine and real. Because it was so different the guard just kept crumbling. Then one Sunday afternoon he took me to meet his family. I was so nervous! When I got there I quickly realized that I didn't need to be. They treated me like family, Bentley too. It felt amazing. That's the day when everything fell and I fell along with it. I was hooked. I just knew deep in my heart that this guy was a keeper. But I don't know what really happened or who was to blame for the demise of our relationship. I mean I was crazy and he wasn't ready. It sucked. It really sucked. But I hope he is happy. I cared for him so much and that won't go away. I hope I can be happy someday, too. I know it will take a while but someday I will be happy being alone. I want to feel as free as a bird, flying through the sky. This illness that has controlled me for the last seven years is not going to control me forever. And someday when I am healthy and normal, I will find my soul mate, but I will already be happy when I do. Mommy&B

Day 23 March 7, 2012

I talk a lot about how I want my life to be in a year, but today I'm going further down the road. I want to tell you how I want my life to be in ten years. When I am 32, I hope to have my own house and a decent car. Right now my favorite vehicle is the Dodge Journey. They are awesome! I hope that in ten years I have a few real good friends, ones that can go on a girls' night and do stuff like that every once in a while. I would also like for my little family of two to turn out to be four or five. I'd like to have a husband who loves me for me and Bentley just as much. I want to have a daughter, too. I want to be involved in something, be a part of something bigger than myself; maybe a part of some committee or something. I'd really like to go back to school. When I'm normal I think I'll be able to focus on more important things. I have to accomplish something. I've been coasting since I was fifteen years old, never putting forth any effort or focusing on what was really important. That's got to change. I want to have been able to say I've been to great places. I want to go out of the country. I want to go on a cruise, too. I want to ride a train and I want to fly! I want to feel free. I don't want to be stuck anymore. I want to live out in the wide open spaces where my kids have all the room they need to grow and do all the things their little hearts desire. I want to be able to give them whatever they need and things they want. I want to be able to tuck them in at night with their daddy by my side and go to sleep every night with the one who loves me and our family more than anything, but only when I'm ready. In ten years I want to finally feel like I belong, like a man needs me, like my children need me. I want to be Supermom! I know I can be. I can love with the best of them and I'll never be ashamed of that. When I am normal, I believe that whoever loves me is going to be very lucky to have me. I want all these things for my future, but I know it will never happen unless I work on myself, because most of all in ten years, I just want to be normal; an average 32 year old. Mommy&B

Day 22 March 6, 2012

I'm learning fast that it's important to maintain good positive relationships with people, and to not bother with the negative ones. For me, keeping contact with people who don't value me as a friend is something I do best. Why do I bother? It just gives me bad feelings and makes me worry about stuff I shouldn't worry about. I don't have a whole lot of true friends and even less that I can spend time with on a regular basis. That's probably the biggest reason why I try to be friends with people who don't really care. And who wants to put up with all my bull? I need a 24 hour therapist that I can text when I feel sad so I can stop texting people who are getting annoyed and couldn't care less. And when I'm sad, why do I feel the need to talk to someone about it anyway? No matter what anyone says I'm still going to be sad. Most of them don't even help. I have no idea how to handle my depression and neither does anyone else. How can I in all honesty expect them to? I guess it's my fault that I have these negative relationships; I either form them for the wrong reasons or just let them go bad by making them listen to me whine. I wish I could make it better. I don't have a whole lot of friends around here and I have surely burnt some bridges. This time next year I hope to have more friends that are good for me and value our friendship. I wish and hope for a lot of things to come my way in the future, but I just really hope that I can help myself get to my happy, normal place and can be content. If more people love me for me in the process, that's just a pleasant bonus. Mommy&B