Day 10 February 23, 2012

OK, this is going to be kind of a "woe is me, I'm depressed" post, but it has a purpose to it, I promise. I apologize, but this is just me.

Sometimes, when I sit on my couch at the end of the day, Bentley in bed and me not able to sleep, I am crippled by this overwhelming overall unhappiness. A sadness is buried inside of me that never really goes away, despite all my attempts to get rid of it. On nights like this one, it shows its ugly self. I feel like I'm wasting away with no one to share my life with except of course, Bentley. But it seems like there should be more to it. Who do I share my "grown-up" life with? I don't have anyone.

A couple months ago, I had all I ever wanted, but I screwed that up, too. I had never realized that I was sick until last week, so how was I to know everything would go wrong? I thought I had finally found "the one". He was everything I ever dreamed of in a man and more. Perfect for me, but like I said I'm the one that messed us up, and I will never forget it.

But I've been thinking, that maybe my total screw up was a blessing in disguise. After all, if we were still together I still wouldn't know I was sick. I guess I wasn't ready for him, or "the one", whoever he is. A year from now, I hope we can be friends and who knows maybe we can have a second chance, or maybe that's just the crazy talking. Nevertheless, I wish him the best of happiness, because after all that's happened between us I still care about him and want him to be happy. Hopefully I will be happy someday, too. I'm just not sure happiness will be making a permanent stay at my house anytime soon. I have yet to find contentment, but it's OK; I have time.

Mommy&B